Monday, August 14, 2006

Me and those grinding gears of mine. . .

You know what grinds my gears? People who dial the wrong number. The act of mistakenly dialing a wrong number is not a big deal. However, once I've told you that the number was wrong, other than a brief apology, that should be the end of the conversation right? Repeating the wrong number that you dialed, as though I'M the idiot when I tell you there's a mistake does NOT help your cause. Calling it back immediately after hanging up with me makes you even more of a panty waste. Cut that shit out.

You know what grinds my gears? That snide guy on the "For Eyes" commercial. Yes, I know this man is an actor, and he was hired for his ability to mock the snotty shop-person demeanor, but I get this perverse satisfaction when the customer sticks it to him. My favorite is the one where the old lady is creeping toward him with her cane and he's obviously annoyed by her snail's pace. Once she is within reach, she belts him in the cajones with her can and says, "That's for overcharging me for my glasses," leaving him writing on the floor groaning. THAT ladies and gentlemen, is Must See TV.

You know what grinds my gears? Must See TV. Remember that trash? What was "must see" about it? Were there ANY black folks there? I remember they threw in Aisha Tyler and Gabrielle Union as tokens, but other than that. . .? So, we must see the world without negroes, other than the ones white men would "do"? Riiiiiight.

You know what grinds my gears? Type A running-everywhere white people. I believe I've addressed this before, but I'm still confused. WHERE are they going? Twice last week, I was actively bypassed (not a full knock down, but a bypass) by white folks, running to get into the building. When I got inside of said building, you know where they were? Waiting at the elevator, both times. Should I have thanked them for being my elevator bitches? (Next time you SMILE when you press that button BEEEYOTCH!!)

You know what grinds my gears? Being broke. All the good concerts come around when it's not in your budget. All the good restaurants have these special promotions when it's not in your budget. All the good movies come out when it's not in your budget. All your friends want to hang out and/or go on vacations when it's not in your budget. What the hell is up with that?

You know what grinds my gears? Polka dots. All my life, I have viewed polka dots to be the most useless "design" ever. What inspired this? Some odd dalmation fixation? A dalmation fixation, I say! Everything about the sight of polka dots disturbs me. I remember when Kwame had y'all thinking that was cool. Uh, yeah, freaked me the hell out. The only thing that comes close to disturbing me as much as polka dots is houndstooth. *shudder*

You know what grinds my gears? Bra shopping. I maintain that everybody loves a big titty girl, but damn, I think bra shopping for the full busted woman is the most ridiculous thing EVER. Besides sending you to that "industrial bra" section when you're bigger than a 34C, unless you're ready to turn tricks, your sole color choices are black, white and taupe. For those of you who don't know what taupe is, it's basically what happens when the bra monster eats all the white bras, then regurgitates them. I will say that VS has gotten better about accommodating the "full coverage" crew, I'm still not happy about the fact that the bras are more expensive. Should we be penalized for our gifts?

You know what grinds my gears? Winos. No, I don't mean people who overestimate their tolerance and get drunk. I mean people that are constantly drunk. If you get on the bus at 5:30, and beer is seeping through your pores, my friend, you need an intervention. In furtherance of this gear grinding, I get annoyed by the presumption that only poor black folks fit into this category. I've been around a WHOLE LOT of Biffs and Becky's that were smelling like the sauce at 8:00 a.m. Ya need deliverance.

And that's what grinds my gears.


Ms. Blaize said...


Ok you hit close to home with the whole bra shopping situation! Why must they only cater to the less endowed?? Who told them that flat chested oops (activating PC vernacular sequence) I mean, non enhanced women were the only one that wanted pretty bras? It's one of those things that can leave you standing in the mall just exasperated. Either buy the bra that looks like a construction worker built it or the one that will make you look like you're gonna be swinging on a pole that night!

But after awhile, things started to get cool when (activating Semi -TMI sequence) I noticed that Fredericks of Hollywood actually had pretty yet sturdy and neutral color bras (black,white,chocolate). It still costs a grip but they last for a minute and unlike VS bras, these have all out support yet still look feminine (not that I'm a cow and need tons of support but I will pamper the hell outta my twins so that I won't have to say MOOOOoooooooo later on! For real!)

Anyway, I'm definitely co signing on that one!

~ Jaine Blaize

jali said...

Great post. I'm glad I'm nosy as hell and read other folks' comments. I found you on Luke's page and I'm bookmarking.

jali said...

Correction: found you on Amadeo's page. Well, go visit Luke Cage too!

Amadeo said...

Damn I just had a vision of Easte when Kwame was out and everyone had a polka dot outfit.