Ranting, Raving and Roaring

Why do people have the tendency to wait until they are grown to turn into idiots? Though I recognize that none of us are immune from indiscretions and bad decisions, there is a cut-off time for certain types of fuck-ups.

The father of my children turns 30 this summer. Recently, he was picked up for possession with intent to distribute. Idiot. To make matters worse, he had the bail bondsman call my father? Can't you just be embarrassed in front of your own family? Must you bring mine into the mix? Besides, isn't 30 a little old to be running around with a bunch of nickel bags. I mean, I'm not for thug life, but by that age, should you have at least two people working for you? Guess not. To quote Sampson Simpson "He's got to be the dumbest muthafucka in the history of the dope game." I guess I'm also a little salty about the fact that he didn't even bother to give the kids any of the nickel bag proceeds.

To be honest, I'm beginning to think that he has a more serious drug problem and that concerns me. I'm not a micro-managing "other parent". When my kids would spend the weekend with him, I wouldn't spend my time calling, checking up, etc. because I know that regardless of the issues he and I have, he loves his children. However, I have seen through other family members how a drug problem can alter your sense of priorities.

Folks tell me "Just keep doing what you're doing and your kids are going to remember you for that." Hell, I don't want to be the "better" parent. I just want to be a parent. Someone who raises kids without having to pick up slack, make excuses and do "extra" to give the appearance of "normal".

He spent 5 years being an adequate father. I hope he can at least get back to that.

"Excuse me ma'am...may I please roll on your booty?"

I love the occasional jaunts to the club. Some weeks, you just need to watch cuties, have a few drinks and dance your cares away. It's an opportunity to forget that you are overworked, underpaid and occasionally under appreciated. You can be as fun, glitzy or 'hood as you want, and feel secure that at least half of the people won't remember your alter ego because they were probably as drunk as you possibly were, or like you, just looking to let their hair down. However, drunk or sober, the club does not excuse barnyard behavior. Let's explore some recurring club scenarios, where the parties went wrong, and what the polite course of action should be.

1. The Free Drink Scenario s/k/a "Uh uh...I bought that bitch a drink!"

It's not at all uncommon for a man to purchase a drink for a woman, and sometimes her friends (I LOVE that type of guy), to catch her attention. A harmless, good-natured gesture. However, this can be tricky. In Bad Situation #1, the man feels that the woman is now indebted to him and should focus all of her attention on him FOR THE REST OF THE EVENING. In Bad Situation #2, the woman feels that the man who purchased her beverage is somehow beneath her and, though accepting the free drink, is rude and dismissive. This can lead to the occasional Bad Situation #3, which is a combination of the aforementioned situations and all hell subsequently breaks loose. However, the Free Drink scenario does not have to be chaotic.

Men - Once you have purchased the drink, I would definitely recommend that you introduce yourself to the lady. (The guy that buys and lurks is a little creepy.) Be friendly, but not imposing. Don't overstay your welcome. If for some reason, there is no chemistry, or the conversation seems forced, then wish her a nice evening, take your leave and continue to have a good time. YOU CLUBBIN' MAN!! Enjoy yo'self! However, if the two of you are enjoying one another's company, then go with that feeling. Have a good time. However, as a caveat, if after a polite conversation, the woman mentions that she has to catch up with her girlfriends, etc., she's probably not interested. But that is an indication that she appreciated your gesture (and evidently was raised with some manners).

Ladies - If a man purchases a drink and introduces himself, even if he does not meet your "standards", please be polite. Seriously - who are you eyeballing? All of the rest of the men in the club that did NOT buy you a drink? It won't hurt to have a conversation with a potentially nice guy. If you're not feeling him, after a five to ten minute conversation, excuse yourself. Luckily with all of the extra baggage we are saddled with as women, we have one all encompassing savior - THE LADIES ROOM. Excuse yourself, bid him a good evening and once you leave the ladies room, pick a new spot. You may also use the old "let me check on my girlfriend(s)" routine if you came out with a group. One of those two should derail even the most ardent pursuers, without necessarily making him feel slighted.

2. The Club Date Scenario s/k/a "Oh HELL NAW! I know she ain't all up on my man like that!"

Simply put, serious couples typically don't go on dates to the entity know as "The Club". I'm sure it's done occasionally, like for birthday parties or other celebrations, but as a rule, a "date" for involved couples, usually doesn't involve the club. That being said, more often than not, if you're on a date at the club, you're not with your man/woman. This is an issue, primarily among women. If the man that you are with begins to dance with another woman, sista, LET IT GO. In a worst case scenario, you have the option of leaving the club. The most baffling aspect of this scenario is that the woman, almost invariably, becomes upset, not with her date, but with the other woman. As though that little succubus had nothing more on her agenda than seducing your man with her mind powers.

This situation can also come about if you happen to see an old flame in the club. Maybe you are sharing a moment, but that will not stop him from sharing his moments with other people as well. This is definitely when confronting the other woman is over the top because, who's to say that YOU are not the other woman? Just a little mental grub for ya.

In either case, take it on the chin. That the situation is not necessarily as serious as you thought, or would have liked it to be. As I mentioned before, you always have the option of leaving. However, there is a saying pertaining to what one monkey can stop - NOTHING! You're already dressed and looking good. Get on the floor and do your "fuck 'em" dance girl! By the way, if the dude brings you out, only to pay attention to everyone else, that's usually an indication that he's probably not what's best for you anyway. Just be glad you found it out sooner rather than later. For those of you who may experience this in a committed relationship, girl, go home and get your shit. If he's rolling on asses while he's in your presence, then please believe he's diving in them when you aren't around.

And while we're on the subject of asses in the club. . .

3. The Stop and Roll a/k/a "Excuse me ma'am. . . may I please roll on your booty?"

I love dancing at the club. Just feeling the music can make me high. However, sometimes, dancing at the club can bring out the animal in folks. Now, I will not speak out against dirty dancing. I've done it myself when the music and company has been right. However, there is a behavior that is becoming more and more common, which I call the "Stop and Roll". This is when the man basically admires a booty so much, he MUST roll on it. . .usually this is not preceded by an introduction. Fellas, THIS IS NOT SEXY. It's creepy and rude and any woman that would allow such a thing is quite possibly not a stranger to the free clinic.

There is nothing wrong with asking a lady to dance. There is nothing wrong with dancing closely. However, there is something wrong with impregnating a woman from behind on the dance floor. In the future, I would ask that you men go with the mood. If after you've danced with the woman, you think that some close contact would be okay, fabulous. Just, please, go through some type of motion to gain permission.

4. You Only Need One Bath

By this I mean, once you have bathed or showered, please do not "redo" the job by baptizing yourself in cologne/perfume. If I can smell you before I see you, what's going through my mind is not "Wow, who smells so great?" I'm thinking, "Holy crap! Somebody open a damn window PLEASE!" Do the community a favor, hit only a couple of your pulse points, and you're good. If, for some reason, you are not aware of what your pulse points are, then you should be at home reading rather than going to the club.

*This has been a public service announcement courtesy of the "Make America's Club Experience Beautiful" campaign.

THE POWER IS YOURS!

Thank you for your support.

Here's how it is...

You will not tell me dumb shit. Not ever. I really don't care who you are, where you've been, or what you do. You will NOT tell me dumb shit. I am not interested in hearing defenses, rationalizations or loopholes. You will NOT tell me dumb shit.

Now, this does not mean that I am unforgiving, and as soon as dumb shit is spoken, I'm out. Far from it. I know from personal experience that I'm not exempt from saying or doing dumb shit. However, once I have brought it to your attention, that you have introduced some dumb shit to me, then that's it. Respect it. That's what I expect, because it's what I offer. We all have quirks, and what is completely harmless to one person, is cataclysmic to another. There may be no rhyme or reason, but it is incumbent upon us to respect the choices of others if the human race is to thrive. That being said...my quirk is that I have a distaste for dumb shit. Sense a pattern?

The other day, I had close to me tell me something very stupid. When I made mention of the fact that I found it offensive, I was essentially told, tough shit, this is how I get down. And you know what, I have much respect for the honesty. I don't have time for extra folks in my life. I raise children, work, go to school, play taxi, help my son with his homework, play daddy, gift bearer and everything else. I do not have time for people that can not honor, in my opinion, a reasonable request. I have no malice for this individual, and I still care for them. However, I will not set myself up to be annoyed. And on the flip side, I will not impose my idiosyncrasies on a person when it will cause them inconvenience. Really, to me, it's simply one less egg to fry.

Life's Student

"I am so hip even my errors are correct" - Nikki Giovanni

To me, that is one of the tightest lines ever written, and it has become my motto. It's not that narcissism is so ingrained in me, that I believe myself infallible. I simply try to make everything in my life have purpose. I want it to be known that I see the blessing in the lesson - even if it's merely learning from a bad decision.

One thing that I have learned is that people are going to do what they do. To me, that is both simple and complex. It's simple in that, a person takes a certain action just because. Drinking coffee in the morning is something that I do...just because. It's not something that takes concerted effort or a lot of planning. What makes it complex though, is that in the intricate tapestry which has come to be my life, a coffee drinker is what I have become. People doing what they do holds true, not just in mundane life activities, but in their interpersonal relationships.

A great mind owned by a sister named Michelle Watson conveyed to me this thought after a failed relationship: "He did what he did because that's who he is." When she said that, I was like, "DAAAAAAAAYUM!" Here I was agonizing over the complex whys and wherefores and it was JUST THAT SIMPLE. This brother handled me flaky and calloused, because he's a flaky, calloused brother. There's no need to try and figure it out and pick apart every piece of the relationship. As I mentioned before though, this theory also has an air of complexity. What is it that led this brother to possess these qualities? What is it that makes that type of behavior seem okay?

However, I'm not going to use this as a forum for the "done me wrong" blues. It has been said that I am afraid of new relationships, and I subconsciously sabotage them. Once a situation gets heavy, I agonize profusely until I do something to eff it up. It could be me simply being passively dismissive or aggressively anxious - or a combination of the two. It could be argued that the brothers flaky, calloused demeanor was a reaction to my neuroses.

So, what lesson have I learned by that experience? I'm still in the process of learning it...but part of it, is to let things flow, enjoy the good things while they happen, and hold on to the memories of them when they don't.

If I am to be a great writer

If I am to become a great writer, I must be consistent. For so long, I've viewed writing as a hobby, but I want it to be what i DO. It's so easy to get caught up in the pressure to write something "good" all the time, when I should be focused on writing. As long as I view it as a hobby, that's all it will be. Something to do in my free time in hopes that it's "good". I'll never truly be a writer with that view.

If I am to become a great writer, I must become unafraid. In my writing, I leave my raw side untapped. I will share a certain degree of myself, but I hold back. Anything that delves too deeply into the painful, sad, erotic or even joyous - I keep that to myself. If I can become uninhibited in my written expression of hurt, desire, et al. I think that will definitely serve to my credit.

If I am to become a great writer, I must see things to completion. There is a plethora of unfinished work attached to my name, and that really needs to change. Becoming a serious writer will require me to take my writing seriously. It's just going to take me buckling down to get the job done.