Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Life's Student

"I am so hip even my errors are correct" - Nikki Giovanni

To me, that is one of the tightest lines ever written, and it has become my motto. It's not that narcissism is so ingrained in me, that I believe myself infallible. I simply try to make everything in my life have purpose. I want it to be known that I see the blessing in the lesson - even if it's merely learning from a bad decision.

One thing that I have learned is that people are going to do what they do. To me, that is both simple and complex. It's simple in that, a person takes a certain action just because. Drinking coffee in the morning is something that I do...just because. It's not something that takes concerted effort or a lot of planning. What makes it complex though, is that in the intricate tapestry which has come to be my life, a coffee drinker is what I have become. People doing what they do holds true, not just in mundane life activities, but in their interpersonal relationships.

A great mind owned by a sister named Michelle Watson conveyed to me this thought after a failed relationship: "He did what he did because that's who he is." When she said that, I was like, "DAAAAAAAAYUM!" Here I was agonizing over the complex whys and wherefores and it was JUST THAT SIMPLE. This brother handled me flaky and calloused, because he's a flaky, calloused brother. There's no need to try and figure it out and pick apart every piece of the relationship. As I mentioned before though, this theory also has an air of complexity. What is it that led this brother to possess these qualities? What is it that makes that type of behavior seem okay?

However, I'm not going to use this as a forum for the "done me wrong" blues. It has been said that I am afraid of new relationships, and I subconsciously sabotage them. Once a situation gets heavy, I agonize profusely until I do something to eff it up. It could be me simply being passively dismissive or aggressively anxious - or a combination of the two. It could be argued that the brothers flaky, calloused demeanor was a reaction to my neuroses.

So, what lesson have I learned by that experience? I'm still in the process of learning it...but part of it, is to let things flow, enjoy the good things while they happen, and hold on to the memories of them when they don't.

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