I think I may very well be the ONLY person that was not destroyed when I heard the song from "Hustle and Flow" was picked as best song or whatever they call it at the Oscars. White folks LOVE to see us engaged in coonery, so I knew that as sure as the sun shone, this would be picked. So putting our feelings aside, let's say it is hard out here for a pimp. I'm willing to wager there are things in this world that are equally as hard, if not harder. So I present you with my "It's hard out here for a. . ." list of 2006.
1. It's hard out here for Aretha Franklin's foundation garment architect. I think Aretha wears a 78 ZZ. I will not even hazard a guess at what her girdle is made of, but I'm willing to wager that they also use it at NASA. The fact that she always wants to wear something spaghetti strappy, shiny and tight defies all things reasonable and holy. She is the goddess, queen and high priestess of soul. However, when all is said and done, as the extra in Deuce Bigelow so eloquently put it, "that's a HUUUUUUGE bitch!"
2. It's hard out here for Tracey Morgan. Is he ever going to play a character that is not ambiguously gay or borderline retarded? I mean really. He seems to incapable of doing anything other than toggling between lipgloss and lunacy. He has put himself in line for being the recipient of my pillowcase full of bricks award along with. . .
3. It's hard out here for the Wayans family's Minister of Negrocity. Everytime we THINK they've outcooned themselves, they manage to serve society at large up with another heaping helping of negroliciousness. Their latest is a movie called "Little Man". I'm convinced that one of their family members does nothing but brainstorm ignant shit. (I'm taking bets that he was consulted for "Hustle & Flow".) It's kind of sad. They coulda been contenders.
4. It's hard out here for Essence magazine readers. I bought a recent issue to see what Lauryn Hill's crazy ass had to say (save your money) and I made the mistake of reading further. This magazine that is meant to tap into the mind of black women had a full page of "recommended" clothes, none of which were less than $200.00. WTF. Then, an article that gave dating "tips" included a woman's story of how her teenage daughter almost caught her giving her internet "boyfriend" a naked show and another woman's story about going for a ride with a man she met at a gas station because he had a nice car. Are you fucking kidding me?
5. It's hard out here for whoever gets in my way at DSW. I have a well documented shoe addiction. You've been warned. If you get in my way, that's your ass. I'll give you a seat on the bus, but if you get your old ass between me and a pair of discount wedge sandals, that's your ass. It's cruel, but we all have our flaws.
6. It's hard out here for an old school ho. What with all the "regular" girls giving it up like it's gonna spontaneously combust, I would have to imagine that the old ho stroll ain't like it used to be. If it has cut into their profits, I think they should form a coalition like the RIAA has done to protest downloading.
7. It's hard out here for a female porn star. Whenever people discuss about how female porn stars make more than male porn stars, I really feel NO sympathy. You guys have Midori, Crystal Knight, Cherokee, Jenna Jameson (if you like white chicks), and a host of other attractive women. Women have who? Mr. Marcus and Ron Jeremy. Ron Fucking Jeremy. There are maybe 2 attractive guys in porn. The rest look like prison/trailer park rejects. Stop the madness.
8. It's hard out here for a single chick. A week ago, a dude asked me for $5.00. After I told him no, he asked me for my phone number. I shit you NOT. It took all my strength not to scream, "How da HELL you gon' call me fool?" I don't know what would have pissed me off more: if he would have asked me for the 50 cents to call me from a pay phone, or if he would have pulled out a cellie. What makes this sad? It was the first time I'd been asked out in over a week. A lot of the single women that I know in the area haven't had much better luck than I. Scary.