Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The Pod People

With all the trials and tribulations of parenting, especially in today's world, one would think that it is a very taxing chore. . .were it not so damned entertaining. So today, I will provide you with little snippets of conversations I've had with my children over the years. Please bear in mind that these people are not normal children. They are reincarnated senior citizens. Now granted, these are MY kids, so I will probably think that what they say is a whole lot funnier than the rest of you, but hell, it's MY BLOG!!! *sticks out tongue*

The Lil Boy - Age 3: "I don't feel like going to their house." "Why not, T?" "It always smells like a whole lot of farts." (I could not argue with his logic. We went to the movies that day.)

The Lil Girl - Age 2: "Us daddy is gonna take us to the park." "Pumpkin, 'OUR daddy is gonna take us to the park.' " *shakes head* "No Mama, not YOUR daddy, US daddy." "No baby, it's not 'us daddy,' it's 'our daddy.' " *explosive giggles* "You silly Mama. We don't have the same daddy."

The Lil Boy - Age 4: "Where are we going?" "To Paw Paw's house." "My black Paw Paw or my white Paw Paw." *blank stare from me*

The Lil Girl - Age 3: (Overheard conversation with my good friend) "Where is Christian?" "He's punished." "You forgot I was coming or something?"

The Lil Boy - Age 2: "Lil Man, we're gonna have a new baby." "Where?? Where is it!!" "Oh it's not here yet, it's in my stomach." *starts crying* "What's wrong son?" "You ATE IT!! YOU ATE OUR BABY!!"

The Lil Girl - Age 4 - "He makes me SICK!" "Who?" "My brother! He thinks he is the boss. Will you please go tell him that I am the boss! Not him!"

The Lil Boy - Age 7: (Background story - When they were 1 and 3, the lil girl decided that she wanted his meatball, went to his plate, grabbed it and took a bite. He subsequently started screaming and crying. The following is his reaction four years later.) "I can't believe that little bitty girl took my meatball off my plate, and ALL I did was cried. . . I just can't believe it. [trailing off] All I did was cried. . ." (I'm wondering if this will come up in a therapy session.)

The Lil Girl - Age 5: (Looking at a rainbow boa constrictor at the zoo.) *sigh* "That's all I've wanted all my life."

The Lil Boy - Age 5: "Son, why the hell were you swinging a belt at school? Didn't I tell you that could really hurt somebody?" "This boy pushed me, then his big cousin pushed me. So I told them that I was gonna tell the teacher and they wouldn't let me go. So I took off my belt and got to swingin'." (Who can argue with logic like that?)

The Lil Girl - Age 4: "Mama, I heard you laughing when Dave Chappelle said a curse word. You say curse words too. When can I say a curse word?!" "When I was watching Chappelle, you were supposed to be upstairs. How do you know what I was laughing at?" "We gotta go upstairs everytime people say a curse word? [mumbles to herself] We can't NEVER be downstairs." (Yes, I have subsequently made efforts to clean up my language. Freakin responsibilities.)

The Lil Boy - Age 7: "So where are you about to go?" "To the airport." "What are you going to do with the rental car?" "Oh, I'm going to bring it to the rental car office?" "Well, how are you gonna get to the airport if you're gonna leave the car?" "They have a shuttle that brings me from the rental office to the airport." *thinks a minute* "You gonna put some gas in your car right?" "Yeah." "Don't do that when you talk on your cell phone. Paw Paw said that's dangerous." "Okay son. Anything else?" *thinks another minute, then gives me a hug* "Nah, you're cool."

The Lil Girl - Age 4: (Overheard conversation with my aunt.) "That dress is so pretty. Are you gonna let me borrow it?" *with a WTF look* "Oh no! You are too big for MY dress. You are way way way too big for my dress." *Aunt chuckes* "Alright you! I get it." "You are too too big for this dress. What you wanna do? Break it?" (Okay, I HAD to punish her, because that was borderline disrespect, but I'll be damned if my cousins and I didn't collapse laughing once the aunt and the girl were out of earshot.)

Conversation between the two: "Girl, shut up." "Don't tell me shut up boy! Shut don't go up, crisis do!"

The Lil Boy - Age 6: "Mama, this boy called me the 'n' word today and you told me black people shouldn't never never call other black people that. So I punched him in the mouth." (Somehow, I think there still was a lesson lost somewhere in there.)

The Lil Girl - Age 5: (Pointing at my left ring finger) "Where is your ring?" "I don't have a ring ma, because I don't have a husband." "My daddy has a ring." "That's right, because he has a wife. I don't have a ring there because I don't have a husband." *thinks a minute* "Well, you don't need need no husband, but you need to get a ring on your finger." (Budding feminist?)

I could write all day about the stuff they say that I deem hilarious (I won't even touch the things they actually DO), however, I will spare you good people. Feel free to drop some of your own kids' (or nieces/nephews', godchirren's) pearls of wisdom in the comments.


Amadeo said...

You ate a baby!!!! That just kills me.

Breez said...

Damn. I didn't even think about the fact that my child essentially called me Fat Bastard lol.

BLESSD1 said... LOVE your kids. You tell me all the time the funny stuff they say; it's about time you did a post on them. Keep the good stuff rolling, good-lookin!


Ms. Blaize said...

I'm all late on this post but I'm new to your blog and it took a minute to get to this one! :-)

Here's one for you -

My daughter kept coming into the kitchen looking for something to drink. So I finally told her that she had to get water. She looked disappointed and walked away. I didn't see her for hours.

Later she asked me again so I asked her if she drank any water. She sighs and says,"Mom, can I get something else?"

"Why Sha, why?"

"Well," She looks around like she's trying to think of something quick.Then she gets this serious look and says,

"Well, 'cause I'm H2O intolerant"

*Dead look ensues*

*Droppin' the mic and walking away*

These midgets need to stop!

Love your blog!

~ Jaine Blaize