Reading the relationship musings of the legend known as Harlem Slim, has me pondering my own romantic past. If I had a few minutes to talk to each of them, here's what I would say to them today:
MD - First "boyfriend" To date, you are the only guy that ever gave me flowers. And...and...remember that time you gave me your last Capri Sun at our class picnic and cursed out Chris for knocking down my Coke...remember? Yeah...that was cool.
CA - Dude you tortured me for two months. Couldn't you have just told me you liked me? Throwing spitballs and bugs at people is really just gross...and that eyelid thing was creepy. You made up for it by writing that rhyme about me though. It was tight and I still smile when I remember the hook.
OJ - You were such a sweetheart. My mother loved you. Really. I think she liked that fact that you were a little left of center. I'm glad to see that you've made your life beautiful.
JH - Dude, you were a waste of time even for a middle school boyfriend. And what was up with the chickenhead scallywag? There is no way in the world I was giving up ass at 13, but you picked one hell of a route to take. I would have felt better if it was Latonya, or even Shante...but Keisha? Ewwww. Rumor has it you're strung out on "the shit" now and Keisha - she had "crack ho" written all over her in 8th grade. I hope that's not true, but that's the road you were heading down when I knew you. That's messed up.
EV - Didn't I tell your ass to call BEFORE 10? 1:30? WTF? You saw my daddy...you KNEW he was crazy...ONE THIRTY? I was grounded for two weeks after that. Thanks for nothing.
GM - You caught me at my "people are just people" phase and though you were nice, I did realize one thing: black folks and white folks were different. Plus I always got the feeling that your mom was 3 seconds from a nigger joke and I think we both know how that would have turned out. I also see how things turned out with the sister you DID end up with. Glad I figured you out early on.
HJM - I've already blogged about you extensively. You will always be loved by me, but I can't ever love you "that way" again. You always seemed like you were distracted and that sort of got tired. It's not like I didn't try to make it work or BEG you to work with me, but you gave me nothing. Then when I figured it was time to part ways, you were bewildered. I've admitted that I didn't handle it the right way - that I was flat out wrong - but you never admitted your part. Then, the way you invited yourself back into my life and disappeared - that was special. You really could have left me alone. I guess you had to get the last word. Hope that made you feel better.
MR - I could insult you but what's the use? Plus I can't blame you for being, well, you. Everybody told me what you were and I went ahead and tried to build something with you anyway. I'm glad you found a Tina for your Ike, because I wasn't the one for that shit.
CL - You are worse than herpes. Just when I think it's safe to go back in the water, you try to pop up again. When I was ready to go to the next level, you acted like I asked you throw your dick into a wood chipper. Then when I finally went my own way, you acted like the ground I walked on was sanctified and when I took you seriously, you went back to the old you. What is that shit? And did you REALLY think it could happen twice? Ooooh, you just simple.
DA - That massage thing? That is the oldest, most tired trick in the book. I didn't have a damn headache. My "corn" allergy started flaring up and that's why I called a cab.
LS - I don't know what happened. You fell into the "friendship zone" and I stopped looking at you like a "dude". My bad about the giggling, but I really didn't think you were serious. You gotta admit that it came out of the blue. Glad you got over it though. Even if you don't get no bigga...
KA - You didn't think I would tell you no did you? You are one of the prettiest people I've ever laid eyes on, but outside of that...I get nothing. You weren't mean, you weren't nice, you weren't funny, you weren't corny, you were just...there. It was like going to dinner with this really pretty picture and I just couldn't get with that.
RR - You really hurt me man. After my separation I was a bonified love hater and you joked your way into the inner circle. Deep inside, I knew you had a girlfriend, but like you said, I never asked. Since I thought we were friends, I didn't think I would have needed to. I spotted the three of you in Semolina's recently. I'd never seen them before, but she looks like both of you. I'm glad y'all were able to hold it together.
SK - You, sir, are a lepton. (Thanks Amadeo!)
Yeah...that sums it up.