Monday, December 03, 2007

Stop in the name of love!

Fewer things irritate me more than dating based reality TV shows. Watching a group of misguided, love starved souls vie for the attention of another misguided, love starved soul of the desired sex is not my idea of good television. Though I pride myself as the person who doesn't stop and stare at accidents, occasionally, my curiosity gets the better of me and I play looky-loo.

Flavor of Love 1 & 2: The powers-that-be don't think civilization has sunk far enough into the abyss, so we will soon be cursed with a third installment of this travesty. A group of women vie for the affections of Flavor Flav. Did you just vomit in your mouth? Yeah. Me too. Basically, women kick, scream, claw and otherwise degrade their way to the position as Flav's chosen one. He proceeds to rename the women as it suits him; you know, like in slavery. At the end of it all, she's presented with a grill. My heart is all aflutter.

I Love New York 1 & 2: When tallying the sins committed by Flav's show, few are as unforgivable as the unleashing of Tiffany "New York" Pollard upon humanity. After being twice dumped by Flav, her own reality show was launched. She fills her house with a bunch of suspect dudes. At the end of the first season, the "finalists" (because she's the "prize?") were this beefy dude named named Mango or something like that, and another dude who essentially needed subtitles in real life. Currently, it is in the midst of it's second installment, and a bigger group of pussies I've never seen. There's this dude that looks like he lives with his mama, a swole Puerto Rican with a press-n-curl, and a general assortment of douche bags. Now, I must say, there is one dude named Buddha that caused my eyes to linger for a moment...Until I realized "This nigga wears smedium tank tops and evidently pursues women who are obviously no stranger to the free clinic." Next.

Rock of Love: Bret Michaels of the hair band Poison headlines this show. Basically, imagine Flavor of Love, but white trashy. I could elaborate, but I believe Joe McHale of "The Soup" said it best: "It's like a Tupperware party...but with chlamydia." To my dismay, this too shall repeat.

A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila: This one kind of confuses me. I know who Flavor Flav is. I know who Bret Michaels is. I even know who New York is. But, Tila Tequila? No fucking clue. So I'll tell you what I do know. This bisexual midget brings slew of men and women into her house (I love that they refer to it as their houses, I'm sure it's the network's joint). Though uncertain of her gender preference, she just knows that she wants to be fucking - something. I swear that every time my television passes this channel, I feel the need to pop an antibiotic just to be safe. Since there are so many individuals there, she dismisses them two at a time. Soon we shall find who has the greater appreciation for skanks: emotionally damaged lesbians, or douchebag heterosexual males.

And this, my people, is entertainment. It's strangely ironic that my feelings can be summed up best by Public Enemy: "Burn, Hollywood, burn!"

6 comments: said...

FlavaFlav would be the Fear Factor test I wouldn't be able to pass.

Ms. Tiffany and he mom and her dog are all crazy.

I refuse to watch TilaTequila - she's famous because of YouTube.

I want to see Brett Michael's hairline.

BLESSD1 said...

LMAO @ Jali's Flava Flav comment! I'm sorry y'all...but I get glued to these shows...and YES...I KNOW it's total crap, but I guess I'm fascinated to see how low some of these folx will stoop to win the love of a former crackhead. Godo post, Breez!

bint alshamsa said...

I think Tila Tequila started out on MySpace. I like the Brett Michael show. It's nice to see someone other than black people making asses of themselves on reality shows. I still avoid all of that shit like the plague though.

Clifton said...

I have had a problem with Flav's show since the beginning and New York isn't much better. I have to say they pale in comparison to Tila Tequila's show made me find my favorite Mahalia Jackson clip on youtube to chase away the bad spirits. That show is on a whole other level.

Breez said...

Doesn't she look poised to usher in pestilence? Seriously.

No, wait, she looks like one of those wind up monkeys that play the cymbals.

Another Conflict Theorist said...


I'm just catching up so I'll start with this one.

See, way back in '86 when I first started listening to Public Enemy I assumed that the whole 'We've even got our own in-house coon' thing was a way for the group to send a message. Now I realize that the message is that even righteous brothers with verve and consciousness can have friends and associates who are just outright embarrassments to the race.