Beneath the Surface

Take your time
Baby don't you rush a thing
Don't you know, I know
We all are struggling
I know it is hard
But we will get by
And if you don't believe in me
Just believe in "he"

Cause he'll give you peace of mind
Yes he will
And you'll see the sunshine
For real, yes you would
And you'll get to free your mind
And things will turn out fine
Oh, I know that things will turn out fine
[Yes they would, yes they would]

I am soooo feeling that this morning. There is a lot going on in this crazy world of mine and allowing it to consume me is entirely too easy. The fact is, I know that I can get beyond this. My problems are not bigger than I am. Even if they were, they're definitely not bigger than my faith. I've taken the slow boat ride to hell and back more times than I can count and I've always gotten back up, or more specifically, been helped back up, so this is really small potatoes.

I guess the biggest thorn in my side is my constant struggle to provide for my family. I think I've received roughly $200 since July of 2004 from my kids' father. In the beginning, it angered me. Immensely. But now, I've gotten beyond worrying about what is fair, what is right and what SHOULD happen, and I'm focusing on the reality of the situation. That reality is that I will never be able to count on him for anything. Whether he is in or out of jail, he is not reliable. Realizing that brought about a change in me. He has noticed the change and asked me about it. After explaining it to him, he seemed disturbed and I told him that the situation was of his own doing, and his children were still young enough where it could be undone. That was over a month ago and there has yet to be any change. Que sera sera.

My life has now become focused on doing the best that I can. Changing what I can, working with or around what I can't and continuously striving for better. I have been struggling in school. Basically, with all that I have on my plate, school is not feasible at this juncture. I'm smarter than the grades I've received and I know this. Leaving school hurts a lil bit. Actually, it hurts a lot, but I'm going to focus on improving the other aspects of my life, so that when I return, things will be more settled. I can commit more of my focus to it.

The pledge I have made is to stop dwelling on past heartbreak. I doubt the cats that hurt me are spending their free time thinking, "Damn...I fucked over her, but I wonder how she's doing?" Therefore, why should I give them ANY of my mental shine? History belongs in books. It's not something that needs to be carried around in future interpersonal relationships. I opened my heart to an individual once, thinking that if he hurt me, I would never recover. Eventually, he did . . . and believe it or not, I got over it. Am I hopeful that it was my last experience with heartbreak? Of course. But, if for some reason it isn't, I'd like to think that when all is said and done, I'll still walk tall with a smile on my face. I'm way too cute to slouch and pout.

All I can do is keep working and praying that the next day is better than the one before.