Oh...wait...I must have been absent. When did they make that sexy?

Lately, I've been questioning the commonality of common sense. I mean, old folks saying, "Common sense ain't so common," is about as old as time to me, but I feel that the lack of it has descended to new lows - particularly in the realm of fashion.

The other night I went to a club where this sister just happened to catch my eye. I was a little tipsy and at first glance, I couldn't figure out for the life of me why her outfit drew my attention. Until I realized that she had an entire layer of flab dripping over the top of her pants and a shirt that purposely stopped well above her waist. I don't mean that the top of her pants were too tight and she's thick around the waist. I mean the shit was draping over her jeans. WTF?? Now, as a mother of two who doesn't work out nearly enough, I'm not at all unfamiliar with a fat roll or two (okay or TEN don't focus on the wrong part of the damn story), however, to flagrantly have my rolls on parade is another matter entirely. What was even funnier was that she didn't stay still either. She swung the horribly dressed monstrosity known as her body across the room to be viewed by all and sundry. I had to take another shot of Cuervo just to relax.

What the hell is up with men in tight shirts? Is there anything on this planet that is gayer? If my six year old is astute enough to look at a man and ask me, "Why is his shirt so small?" you know something had gone awry. To add insult to injury, they're usually pink or mint green or peach, making the guy look even more ambiguously DL. The other day I saw a guy dressed like that, walking with his woman. I honestly wanted to slap the crap out of her for not being the voice of reason in this fashion faux pas concert.

Women and these misplaced ponytails really have to stop. I'm not knocking a woman for wearing them, but there are rules that should be adhered to. What I fail to understand is, why are there sisters that walk up to the counter and say, "Uh, yes, I'd like to purchase the silkiest ponytail on earth please"? What is that shit about? Can we do some texture and color matching PLEASE? You look like you've got follicular split personality disorder. Living out your caucasian fantasies is really not the move.

The only thing that looks more self hating than a black woman with green color contacts, is a BLACK MAN with green color contacts. What in the Flipmode (thanks Curt!) is going on? To put it simply, they look like a steaming plate of microwaved mess. No nice way to state that. I can't be the only one to notice the cruddy brown undertone that comes with putting a light colored contact over our brown eyes. Simply put, if you buy seafoam green, it transforms into shitty green, sky blue becomes shitty blue and I won't even go there on how awful hazel looks. Just stop it. It does not enhance beauty.

The other day I saw a brother with loc extensions. I'm not even dedicating a full paragraph to that foolishness. Just stop it.

Though men in tight clothes disgust me, men in baggy hanging off the ass clothes are equally disgusting. I don't mean teenaged boys (we all had crazy shit that we wore as teens) I mean grown ass, 30 year old men. Pull up your damned pants stupid. Comfortably loose and even a lil baggy is cool (actually, kinda sexy in this chica's opinion) but once things have begun to fall off your ass, you really just look like a moron and it's time to stop trying to recapture the misspent years of your fleeting youth.

What really takes the cake is that Grandmama has been replaced by Grand-Hood Rat. In the past week I've seen four women well past 50 with variations of the same fucked up plastered hairstyle, booty shorts (or just too short for past 50) and halter tops with metallic flip flop sandals. I can't effectively convey my disgust other than by just saying "Ewwwww" *shudder*. Big Mama really is gone ya'll.

Summer Hibernation

My home is a black hole on the weekends. Once I go in on Friday evening, I don't come out again until Monday morning unless there is a dire necessity to do so. I hate leaving my house unless I absolutely must. I spend so much time on the run during the week, letting my crib go to pot, on the weekend, I feel obligated to dedicate my time to my house, cleaning cooking, sketching out projects.

This has made me increasingly antisocial. Once my neighbor knocked on my door to make sure I was still alive. I remember when I initially bought my car, I was never home. I felt free to go to every mall in the city, work late without having to worry about catching the bus, visit every friend and family member that would have me. However, now...it's just too damned hot man. The thought of entering the inferno known as my car makes my head hurt. Every errand that I have is done after work Monday through Friday. Once I get inside of my home, that time is sacred.

Today is really bad though. Typically, I do my and my daughter's hair, iron our clothes, do my facial and pedicure all while I'm doing my laundry. However, today, uh, I did my daughter's hair and some of my laundry, but all that other stuff *shrug* didn't happen. The things that would make me look presentably human, uh uh. My feet look like, as a good friend has said, I ran all the way to freedom barefoot and I'm still in my pajamas at 7:15. I actually feel quite bummy, and this is not the vision. I know it's hot, but this is ridiculous.

*sigh* I guess I've blogged myself into guilt, so I'll go make myself look like something.

No Home Training

Actually, I spent my formative years in home training boot camp. However, after about 18, I filed for conscientious objector status. When my mother passed away, I discovered how scandalous people can and will be when they think that you don't have anyone in your corner. I mean, my dad was there for me, but he had his own shit with him (he did lose his wife) so in a lot of ways, I was on my own. Since I had adult responsibilities, there were a lot of people that had to be programmed to respect my mind. Around that time, I wiped off the shine grin and unleashed the dragon on society at large. I figured there was no need to be wishy washy with folks. I either liked you or I didn't and life was too short to leave people confused.

My mother had a very magnetic personality and after her death, everyone claimed these great friendships with her. Usually this was because the woman in question either wanted to get with my father, or had a friend that she wanted to introduce to my pops. They figured if they got in good with me, the oldest, it would be smooth sailing. What they didn't know is that my mother was no dummy and she prepared me for this bullshit. One day in particular grimy brawd that knew my family took me on what was our third "ladies luncheon" and talked about how wonderful my mother was, and how, in the spirit of friendship and goodwill, she promised her that she'd do everything in her power to "take care of the entire family." I didn't even pause as I cut into my prime rib, peered at her over the glass of chablis I conned her into getting for my underaged ass and said, "Bitch please, how many times have you been to my house? None right? That's because my mama didn't like you. If you're trying to get with my pops say that so we can stop having these bullshit lunches and go about our business." I know she wanted to slap me seven ways to Sunday and I was itching for her to do it. I guess she wasn't that crazy. I'd have whipped that ass.

I developed this fascination with telling folks to go fuck themselves. Specifically I would tell them, "Here's a suggestion - how about you go couplate with a rusty sewerage pipe and stay out of my damned business?" I told to one of my ex's cousins this after he told me that I needed to learn my place and let my husband come home whenever the hell he wanted. The thing is, this bamma didn't even know the meaning of "copulate". However he wasn't so dumb as to not be pissed when I told him to get a dictionary to look the word up, then get his daughter's "my first dictionary" to help him with the words in the regular dictionary. I thought of calling him a cretin, but I'm more than sure he wouldn't have known the meaning behind that either.

I am most definitely the fly in the ricebowl at my uber republican right wing office and more often than not it drives me nuts. The thing is, they sort of goosestep around racial issues, try to be politically correct in my presence and talk alot of shit when I'm not around. One all but called me a credit to my race. After discovering this, I decided that I would say pretty much whatever pops into my head at the time. When the crazy chick in my office starts acting, well, crazy, I'll tell my boss shit like, "I'm really not in the mood to go to jail for killing up some white folks today." Or if my supplies have been removed I'll ask, "Which one of you people took my stuff in the name of manifest destiny? Did you put a flag on it?" My personal favorite is "Okay, eight hours of white folks is about all I can stand. Good night." I'm sure I'm every type of jigaboo in the book in their opinion, but oh well, c'est la vie. I'm convinced that to a couple of them, I'd be a jig either way, so I may as well get my jollies out of the deal.

I got tired of pleading with my ex for money and since I'm convinced that I'll NEVER see a cent from him, I've decided to make it entertaining for me. So on the RARE happenstance that I actually talk to him, I'll blurt out, "Man, you've been dodging us like you owe me chi...oops, nevermind," and burst into laughter. It really is good medicine.

I'm really not a bad person. I just spent a lot of years thinking that being "good" equated to a chronic diet of other people's bullshit, and that's just not the case. Once I discovered that I could be good and occasionally correct a mofo, "liberated" doesn't begin to cover what I felt. I'm acutally discovering that I'm going soft in my old age and folks are starting to get away with more and more bs with me. *shrug* It doesn't really bother me that much anymore. I've handed out more than my fair share of new assholes, so letting folks slide these days is sort of my way to give back to the community.

Here I am

I haven't been blogging much lately because they've been working me like a $2 ho on the corner of Bourbon and Canal on Mardi Gras night. But also because I don't know where to begin with what's going on with me as well as the folks that are closest to me.

My daddy was recently diagnosed with cancer. He truly wants this to be hush hush, so I'm limited in who I can tell about it. I'm pretty sure that it was caught early, but I'm still a little shaken over it. I'm just staying strong in prayer about it. He's all I have in the way of parents man.

My Soul Twin is in love and I've acquired a homie/ghetto soul brother. I'm happy for both of them and the family that they are forging. It's truly a beautiful thing. (BTW if you're fed up with the radio mediocrity of these Rin and Tin cats, check out Euphon and watch them redefine what is colloquially referred to as "hot shit.")

My black sheep sister is going through some changes, and I'm not sure what they are. By her age, 22, I was married with my first child, a place and a car. She's still struggling and it's partially because she's hardheaded. I worry about her. I can't live her life for her, but I try to give her as much guidance as I can and pray that she acquires some get up and go.

My other two sisters and my brother in law are doing quite well, which is beautiful. My kids will spend some time with them in July. My sister is working on two years of wedded bliss and I'm infinitely happy for her. She's such a beautiful person. My baby sister is a little diva, but I love her all the same, lol.

My kids are getting grown, and I don't know how to deal with that. My son was getting his six year old flirt on with a 40 year old woman. I ain't ready for this man!! He's been conscious about keeping up with his reading, etc. during the summer, and I'm very happy about that. My baby girl is excited about starting school and she's already determined that she's going to have a slumber party for "her girls" after school starts. She's my little chocolate Powerpuff Girl.

On a personal front with me, I've got a thing or two going on in my life that puts an extra smile on my face, and ain't nothing wrong with that. All I can do is take things day by day. No one can really say what tomorrow will bring anyway, so I don't see the use in obsessing over it. I'm just gon' let it do what it do.

Thank you Daddy

I've said before that my mother was definitely the glue that held us together, but my father was the rock that we all rested on.

Yesterday morning, before working in this 95 degree heat, he found out that my tire was flat. He turned around and came to my house immediately to fix it. Then, when he realized that the tire was flat because it was shitty, he brought me to buy two new tires for my raggedy ass car. Considering that there are people in this world who couldn't spot their dad in a one man race, I'm blessed. Further considering that there are people whose fathers are so subhuman and cruel their kids wish that they'd never seen them, I realize that I'm supremely blessed.

Along with my mother he taught me to be resourceful, command respect, seek knowledge for myself and respect others. However, most of all, he taught me how to identify a real man and father. We never knew what it meant to be without food, or lights or transportation. My sisters and I knew that we were special and beautiful because my father told and showed us that we were. We never knew what it was like to feel unloved by him. Toward the end of my mother's life he personified "in sickness and in health." Gotta love a man like that.

My dad makes dating tough. It's not that I expect a man to be "just like daddy" (he does have a 25 year jump on everyone else), but I do expect to see at least some of the same qualities. There are definitely good men out there, but there are quite a few (often those that gain my initial attention) that completely miss the mark. I've never seen a woman open a door in my father's presence. I've never heard my father toot his own horn about how much of a good man or provider he is. He's a reformed player and he taught me that if a man is buried in explanations, then bullshit is nearby. He schooled me on successfully walking the fine line between being strong and being a ball buster. (The dudes that think I don't are generally pussies and I don't give a fuck what they say. J/K...well, sort of.) He looks out for my children to ensure that they have a positive male figure in their lives without a second thought. He does the same for the young men in his church. It's not a conscious effort that he puts forth, it's just what he does. He taught me the value of respecting myself.

I can say with complete confidence that any wrong choices I've made in my life was not because of a lack of guidance or foundation. I can also say that when I made those choices, he dusted me off and didn't hesitate to point me in the right direction. Lately, I've found myself more attractive to men that remind me of my father, not so much in physical type, but mannerisms. He's got his flaws (TREMENDOUS flaws), but they are so outweighed by his strong points, knowing him is truly a blessing.

Blah Haiku

All day long I hope
That shit will just get better
Maybe tomorrow

I Got Five On It

As usual, I'm always ready to give unsolicited personal info about myself. So, here goes.

Five Things I Want to Change

1. I procrastinate.
2. I'm suspicious.
3. I suck at financial management.
4. I am a major worry wart.
5. I cuss first and ask questions later.

Five Things I Like About Me

1. I have a thirst for knowledge
2. I'm a good listener
3. I'm willing to admit that I'm wrong and apologize
4. My smile
5. I'm a pretty good parent

Five Things I Would Like in Five Years

1. A good relationship with God.
2. My own home.
3. A healthy relationship.
4. My first book published.
5. To send my father and stepmother on a vacation.

Five Things I Do Not Apologize For

1. Putting my kids first
2. Openly expressing my feelings
3. Immediately excising drama from my life
4. Working hard
5. Going with my instinct

Five Things I Need To Survive

1. God
2. Ty
3. Jae
4. A good book
5. My mother's advice

Five Lessons I've Learned

1. Trust your gut
2. Silence speaks volumes
3. You really are taught all of life's skills in kindergarten
4. Saying no is easier when you are responsible for others
5. When a person makes a statement, then adds "but", whatever follows is how they truly feel.

Five Favorite Books

1. Memoirs of a Geisha
2. Nervous Conditions
3. The Darkest Child
4. Caucasia
5. The Best Kind of Loving

Five Favorite Movies

1. Fists of Fury
2. Malcolm X
3. Love Jones
4. The Last Samurai
5. Hero

Five Favorite Musical Artists

1. Prince
2. Black Star (I can't separate them)
3. Red Hot Chili Peppers
4. Al Greene
5. Gladys Knight

Five Weird Factoids

1. If I don't have ice for my cereal, I don't eat cereal
2. I LOVE cartoons
3. I always drive in the inside lanes on bridges
4. Coordinating underwear is important to me
5. I have a bad giggling habit

Five Places I'd Like to "Make the Beast With Two Backs"

1. That tower that watches Niagra Falls in Canada
2. An elevator
3. A park
4. Navarre Beach
5. The Eiffel Tower

Five Things That Go A Long Way

1. REALLY ask how I'm doing
2. Remember things that I say
3. Be direct but tactful
4. Respect my kids (i.e. my obligations and boundaries as a parent)
5. Tell me when I'm acting like a beyotch


Five Places I want to Visit

1. Senegal
2. Venice
3. Guadalajara
4. Rio de Janeiro
5. Hong Kong

Five Things Going Through My Head Right Now

1. Am I going to be single in my 30's?
2. I should have bought some Cheerios
3. My hair looks an awful mess
4. I have to start walking during my lunch break
5. I need to go to bed