Sunday, June 26, 2005

Oh...wait...I must have been absent. When did they make that sexy?

Lately, I've been questioning the commonality of common sense. I mean, old folks saying, "Common sense ain't so common," is about as old as time to me, but I feel that the lack of it has descended to new lows - particularly in the realm of fashion.

The other night I went to a club where this sister just happened to catch my eye. I was a little tipsy and at first glance, I couldn't figure out for the life of me why her outfit drew my attention. Until I realized that she had an entire layer of flab dripping over the top of her pants and a shirt that purposely stopped well above her waist. I don't mean that the top of her pants were too tight and she's thick around the waist. I mean the shit was draping over her jeans. WTF?? Now, as a mother of two who doesn't work out nearly enough, I'm not at all unfamiliar with a fat roll or two (okay or TEN don't focus on the wrong part of the damn story), however, to flagrantly have my rolls on parade is another matter entirely. What was even funnier was that she didn't stay still either. She swung the horribly dressed monstrosity known as her body across the room to be viewed by all and sundry. I had to take another shot of Cuervo just to relax.

What the hell is up with men in tight shirts? Is there anything on this planet that is gayer? If my six year old is astute enough to look at a man and ask me, "Why is his shirt so small?" you know something had gone awry. To add insult to injury, they're usually pink or mint green or peach, making the guy look even more ambiguously DL. The other day I saw a guy dressed like that, walking with his woman. I honestly wanted to slap the crap out of her for not being the voice of reason in this fashion faux pas concert.

Women and these misplaced ponytails really have to stop. I'm not knocking a woman for wearing them, but there are rules that should be adhered to. What I fail to understand is, why are there sisters that walk up to the counter and say, "Uh, yes, I'd like to purchase the silkiest ponytail on earth please"? What is that shit about? Can we do some texture and color matching PLEASE? You look like you've got follicular split personality disorder. Living out your caucasian fantasies is really not the move.

The only thing that looks more self hating than a black woman with green color contacts, is a BLACK MAN with green color contacts. What in the Flipmode (thanks Curt!) is going on? To put it simply, they look like a steaming plate of microwaved mess. No nice way to state that. I can't be the only one to notice the cruddy brown undertone that comes with putting a light colored contact over our brown eyes. Simply put, if you buy seafoam green, it transforms into shitty green, sky blue becomes shitty blue and I won't even go there on how awful hazel looks. Just stop it. It does not enhance beauty.

The other day I saw a brother with loc extensions. I'm not even dedicating a full paragraph to that foolishness. Just stop it.

Though men in tight clothes disgust me, men in baggy hanging off the ass clothes are equally disgusting. I don't mean teenaged boys (we all had crazy shit that we wore as teens) I mean grown ass, 30 year old men. Pull up your damned pants stupid. Comfortably loose and even a lil baggy is cool (actually, kinda sexy in this chica's opinion) but once things have begun to fall off your ass, you really just look like a moron and it's time to stop trying to recapture the misspent years of your fleeting youth.

What really takes the cake is that Grandmama has been replaced by Grand-Hood Rat. In the past week I've seen four women well past 50 with variations of the same fucked up plastered hairstyle, booty shorts (or just too short for past 50) and halter tops with metallic flip flop sandals. I can't effectively convey my disgust other than by just saying "Ewwwww" *shudder*. Big Mama really is gone ya'll.


BLESSD1 said...

ROTLMFAO!!! Breezy...the funniest and saddest part of it how how true it is! Man...I live in the home of the DL brother, and those tight shirts in the pastel colors are EVERYWHERE!!! You know it's bad when these cats wear the color contacts to match their shirt color! What kinda shit is that? Wonderfully acute post, luv!

Amadeo said...

Pretty much in agreement...Especially the tight shirt thing...I need space to let the air flow through.

Danja said...

LOL u are on drugs, for real

but u are right

did she really have flab? lol