Friday, September 02, 2005

Adventures in Shreveport

Now that I've become resigned to the fact that my home is a wasteland, I live in a place that REALLY makes me appreciate home. First of all I ain't NEVER lived in a place where the white folks wasn't in check. By that I mean, white folks don't NEEEEEEEEEVAH wreckless eyeball us around my block. In the mall, it was WWEE (white wreckless eyeball extravaganza). Nawwwwwwww cuzzin. Evidently, one gentleman of the flaming homosexual persuasion decided that I amused him so he went back and forth whispering to his friends and staring at me. So I asked him, "Are you from New Orleans?" and he responded that he wasn't. I responded, "I see. Because you're looking at me like you know me." Then gave him a look indicating that he obviously didn't. He's watched the news. He knows what a 9th Warder is capable of. That brought an end to the Breez Comedy Minute. Another brawd was eyeballing my sister. She's become accustomed to it. Not me cuzzin. So I stopped where I was and eyeballed her. I just want to know what the hell they are looking at? All I can say is that there are about 1,000 New Orleanians up here, so somebody is bound to get hurt with that foolishness. So I'll release this public service announcement: WHITE PEOPLE OF SHREVEPORT, KEEP YOUR EYES TO YOURSELF.

New Orleanians...Shreveport is not ready for you. Yall are coming out strong, but yall are coming out wrong. This is a time of need...a time of crisis. So, to the brother that I saw in the food stamp office wearing the pink hat, striped pink shirt, pink pants and pink gators, I appeal to the deepest regions of your soul - just stop it. You and your sister wearing the ten mile high hairdo with rhinestones in her hair and finished off with metallic Daniel Greene slippers and gold teeth. Please, just stop.

I live amongst wildlife. Not the squirrels, nutrias and occasional racoons tha tI'm accustomed to seeing. There are deer and wildcats around up in this piece. There is an animal that the locals have dubbed a "cacoon." It's some sort of wildcat witha big ass tail like a racoon. My sister said she saw a bobcat out here. All I know is that if I get accosted by one of those things, all HELL is gonna break loose as far as my scary ass is concerned.

Next to every interstate exit in Shreveport, there exists what I have dubbed "the valley of death." There is just this tremendous crater next to the interstate and oddly enough, there are no guard rails. Usually this is not a problem, but my sister (whom I love dearly and has been as sweet as can be throughout this entire situation) is more than a little spastic, so the fact that she rounds the curve next to the valley of death going 40 is more than a little disturbing.

My hair looks like Louisiana Goddamn! My hairdresser of course is no longer at my disposal. She's lasted longer than any of my relationships and NO ONE else was allowed to cut my hair. I'm praying that I can find someone that recognizes the difference between a request for a trim and a cut.

I'm saying all of that to say this...A SISTER NEEDS A JOB! I'm about to start combing the Agriculture and Forestry section of monster to get some income man. I don't see how the welfare queens do it. I have been home for a week and I'm about to lose my ever loving mind. I am accustomed to working, and as much as a job can be a pain in the ass, ain't nothing like having your own. I am looking at this as the opportunity to basically point at a map and decide, "I wanna go there." I can go wherever I want and start a new life. Soooooo, I'm taking all relocation suggestions. Holla at a sister. I am looking to get out of the south, so any input and job leads are appreciated. I'm an experienced legal secretary and my resume is at the ready. HOLLA AT ME! (That wasn't very professional was it?)

With all of that being said, the people hosting my family have been stellar. They've all pulled together to make sure that we're comfortable and well fed. My sister's sister-in-law makes a sweet potato pie that I'm pretty sure has crack in it, and she's making me one this weekend. My dad and I have decided that it's a plot for us to stay. We won't leave because we won't be able to move. She can keep playing - in a little bit we're gonna be snatching chains and standing outside of her door scratching asking when she's gonna make another pie. For that, I can forgive the wreckless white folks and the cacoon. Last week there was a fish fry sunday and a bbq monday. This weekend they've also got something planned. It's just beautiful man.

7 comments:

ExtraFlavory said...

Stay away from Boston. That is the reckless white person capital of the world!!!

I know that you think that New York is "too fast" but the legal secretaries that I know do pretty well here. Holla at http://www.glocap.com!! They got some piff in there for all over the country.

ExtraFlavory said...

Oh yeah, I know that it may be a little late since the game has been a little fucked up, but if you can get The Champ a plasma TV or some of the other goodies that your peoples are finding and liberating, I'd appreciate that. THANKS!!!

POPS said...

glad to see your comedy game is in tact. boston ain't that bad as people make it out to be.

Berry said...

Naw, girl they sure aren't ready for y'all. My folks are from N.O. so I know. I hope your transition works out well and you and your son settle in comfortably. Be blessed.

Chele said...

If you want to send me your resume, I'll start sending it out en masse when you have your mind made up as to where you want to relocate. As you know, I work in a career center.

LivingSingle said...

Hey fellow evacuee.

Unfortunately, I am from Shreveport, so I'm crashing at Mom's house until I can get back south. I am SOOOO homesick. There's absolutely nothing to do..I live with a house full of people right now when I'm used to living alone...yada yada yada yada. I think an important thing that me and you should keep in perspective is that we're alive and well, doing better than a lot of others from the region, so I guess that makes us blessed ;)

valerie said...

Looking for Legal Secretary in Washington State. Can be temp position. Small office, one lawyer who is nice and also handsome. Went to Law School in Tulane. 253-202-2905