I'm posting from my BlackBerry, so excuse the typos. I've been attempting to get back into my more organic writing, so I broke out the old composition notebook and started banging out some work.I had some success yesterday, which made me happy. Today, it was a little harder to "flow." I didn't let it stop me, of course, but it was slightly distressing.
One of my favorite CDs is Amel Larrieux's "Morning." Aside from the fact that I have always found her a wonderful talent, the CD came at a very timely point in my life. It wasn't supposed to be my CD. The guy I was dating at the time mentioned that he wanted it, and I bought it for him for his birthday. He kind of dumped me before I had the chance to give it to him, so the CD was mine.
I have this habit where I inadvertently ignore the last song on a CD, particularly when there are quite a few songs that I love ahead of it. So this week, I really listened to the final song on Amel's CD, "Great Mountain of When."
I'm going through some sort of crisis, where I suddenly feel unfulfilled and empty. I believe "lost" is the correct word. Of all the things in my life that I lacked, direction was never one of them.
I acknowledge that I'm not driven in the traditional sense; I'm not ascending the corporate ladder, and such. But I have always handled my business. I've always excelled at my job and enjoyed what I did. I've always fed my literary hunger and never have up on my writing. So this toilet spiral thing that I'm feeling is scaring me shitless.
I'm beginning to feel that, by not taking my writing more seriously, I've cheated myself. My writing, my art, is my heart. As Erykah Badu said, "I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive about my shit." My reasons for not taking my writing to the next level are tantamount to a commitmentphobe halting a relationship. "What if it doesn't work out?"
Getting back to my point, in her song, Amel says:
"Plotting the course
While I'm stick at the bend
Penchant for rocky terrains and dead ends
Wind myself up just to unravel into
A great mountain of when
Predicting a loss
Before I begin
So it don't cut too deep when I don't win
I hate it when I'm right
I'd rather be wrong
I'd rather be wrong..."
I really have to put on my big girl drawers and deal with it.