Saturday, January 12, 2008

Blogging to Exhale

I'm posting from my BlackBerry, so excuse the typos. I've been attempting to get back into my more organic writing, so I broke out the old composition notebook and started banging out some work.I had some success yesterday, which made me happy. Today, it was a little harder to "flow." I didn't let it stop me, of course, but it was slightly distressing.

One of my favorite CDs is Amel Larrieux's "Morning." Aside from the fact that I have always found her a wonderful talent, the CD came at a very timely point in my life. It wasn't supposed to be my CD. The guy I was dating at the time mentioned that he wanted it, and I bought it for him for his birthday. He kind of dumped me before I had the chance to give it to him, so the CD was mine.

I have this habit where I inadvertently ignore the last song on a CD, particularly when there are quite a few songs that I love ahead of it. So this week, I really listened to the final song on Amel's CD, "Great Mountain of When."

I'm going through some sort of crisis, where I suddenly feel unfulfilled and empty. I believe "lost" is the correct word. Of all the things in my life that I lacked, direction was never one of them.

I acknowledge that I'm not driven in the traditional sense; I'm not ascending the corporate ladder, and such. But I have always handled my business. I've always excelled at my job and enjoyed what I did. I've always fed my literary hunger and never have up on my writing. So this toilet spiral thing that I'm feeling is scaring me shitless.

I'm beginning to feel that, by not taking my writing more seriously, I've cheated myself. My writing, my art, is my heart. As Erykah Badu said, "I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive about my shit." My reasons for not taking my writing to the next level are tantamount to a commitmentphobe halting a relationship. "What if it doesn't work out?"

Getting back to my point, in her song, Amel says:

"Plotting the course
While I'm stick at the bend
Penchant for rocky terrains and dead ends
Wind myself up just to unravel into
A great mountain of when

Predicting a loss
Before I begin
So it don't cut too deep when I don't win
I hate it when I'm right
I'd rather be wrong
I'd rather be wrong..."

I really have to put on my big girl drawers and deal with it.


jali said...

I'm glad you've reclaimed your voice.

Another Conflict Theorist said...

Peace Sis,

First of all, blogging from a Blackberry = Big Baller. Don't try to pretend that you're not rolling.

Second, as with the last post, you've had bigger fish to fry for the last few years, namely SURVIVAL, so you couldn't exactly selfishly immerse your being into Makin' It Happen.

I feel as if I'm smarter than everyone for whom I work. I often lament that I didn't try to realize my potential earlier and so on, but those are the breaks. Two kids, a wife, a mortgage, and a semi-dependent mother-in-law come first. That's just how it goes.

My concern for you is that you've mentioned that you might be afraid of trying for fear that you'll fail. Push past that shit, Sis. There are countless non-talented "journalists" who are raking in the acclaim and the dough that should be yours.


BLESSD1 said...

GAWD...Breez...I couldn't agree with ACT more! You're beating yourself up about your dream deferred....but it was kinda deferred by a class-5 hurricane and an inadequate levy. It's taken some time, but you're gaining ground in getting it together, so why doncha go a lil easier on the Beav. I know you think I'm blowing smoke up your keister, but you truly are one of the most intelligent and ARTICULATE (I giggle whenever I tell a black person that) people that I know, with a talent for writing that is second to NONE. Perhaps it is a great mountain of when that you've arrived at, but I don't think the summit is that high for you. Many blessings, sister. You KNOW I have your back!

P.S. And are SOOOO much better than those no-talent hacks like Jason Whitlock and Micheal Steele

Breez said...

@ jali - thanks sis!

@ act - never let it be said that i'm not big time stuff! lol sike! bargain basement model homie (and a relative who works for sprint!)

i actually had a boss that said in front of our entire office that he was confident in giving me work to do because he felt as though i was smarter than him. (and he is no dummy.) but you're right; life happens and all you can do is start from "now."

i'm pushing bruh, i'm pushing.

Breez said...

@ blessd - did you just tell me i "speak so well?" lmfao!