Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Not the one

I recently made a difficult decision. When my kids' father calls, he gets sent directly to voice mail. I'm sure some may dismiss me as bitter baby mama, but that matters not to me.

I've grown weary of the Wack-a-Mole style of fathering he seems to have adopted. Whenever he decided he didn't want to contribute financially, or didn't want to be a parent during that time, he would be ghost. And for a long time, I tolerated it. When he would reappear, it would be as though nothing happened. It's been like this for almost seven years. And for almost seven years, I've tolerated it. He has not sent a dime to them since March of 2007. He's never sent them a pair of long underwear, boots, pencils for school, or done anything that shows he gives a damn.

Saturday, he called for the first time in two weeks. Now, one could argue that he's been busy. Well, if that were so, that means he's working, so he could send them provisions. One could argue that he has not been working. Well, if that were so, that means he has time, so he can call more regularly. Either way, it doesn't add up, so his ass went to voice mail.

So I made a judgment call. I am not going to act like his deadbeatism is something that will pass, and I will suffer it for the sake of some mythical benefit to my kids. The rollercoaster fucks them up. Everytime he disappears, my kids act a fool. And almost on schedule, when they're settled into their routine, he pops back up again. That's just not something I'm going to stand for. I can't in good conscience allow it.

If my kids were to come to me about a friend who only had time for them when it was convenient, or they had nothing better to do, I would tell them they need a new friend. Now, as he is their father, I can't exactly tell them that; but I refuse to treat him as though his sperm dontation gives him free reign to mishandle them as he sees fit. So, as far as I'm concerned, my kids call the shots. If they so happen to ask to talk to him, they are free to call. Two weeks and counting and they haven't asked for him yet. Sad.


Clifton said...

In my quest to save the image of the black man I used to try and talk sisters out of this position. Since most of the brothers I talked out of the doghouse put themselves back into it when dumb ass actions I will simply say I agree that letting the kids call the shots is the best thing. Being someone's parent is a strange thing from the standpoint that no matter how much neglect, there will always come a time when they want to talk to him. I just hope the negro answers when they do.

Stay strong Breez

BLESSD1 said...

I'm in agreeance with Clifton. When it comes to dealing with the ex, you're so jaded about your past experiences with him, that it's hard for you to be cordial. Because of his neglect, he's given himself enough rope to hang himself with. I hope, for his sakes, the kids aren't the ones who kick the chair out from under him.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

dont sound like a fatherlet alone a paren to me

bint alshamsa said...

You got money in 2007? Damn, he might not be all that bad, after all. I haven't received one thin dime since 2001. Aren't I special? *sarcasm*

You know, I've tried a variety of strategies with VanGoghGirl's bio-dad. However, none have worked so well as letting him prove just what kind of person he is. I tried just not telling her when he had called but then he'd just wait until he talked to her and claim that I wasn't letting her talk to him. I've never found a perfect way of dealing with him but it has gotten a lot easier now that she's older and I think it will for Stew-boy and Little Miss Sunshine too.

Nowadays, VanGoghGirl has made him cry several times. As you know, she's inherited her mother's sarcastic mouth. She REGULARLY tells him how pathetic he is and how much closer she is with her uncles. It's to the point where I feel kind of uncomfortable when she starts talking about him in front of his family. Believe me, your two will get to the point where he'll either get his act together or not want to contact them at all. Either one sounds fine to me.

P.S. I still hate his ass.

Another Conflict Theorist said...

Peace Sis,

I read this post about a week ago and didn't have time to respond to it.

As much as it seems like you've come to grips with this effed up situation I still feel for the kids. I think you've made the right decision, though. Allowing this cat to have Whenever-I'm-Ready access to your children is certainly doing more harm than good. Soon enough, they won't want him to come around anymore anyway.

jali said...

As long as the children never hear a negative word from your lips, I think you've made the right decision.

No one needs extra disappointment in their life.