Tuesday, January 03, 2006


I've already begun counting down to my 30th birthday. I know. I just turned 29, but still, I know 30 is there. . .just laying in wait for me. I'm not afraid of turning older and it sure as hell beats the alternative, but I just always saw 30 as this monster. I have been going through the motions of saying all the shit that people say - you know "I'm only getting better", "I'm like a fine wine", blah, blah, blah. William Shakespeare would say "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." I however, say, "Yeah, whatever geezer." Yeah, I know, the 20s and 30s aren't old. Therefore, I'm not sure why I've been feeling the need to validate my youth with cheesy slogans.

I think that part of my age issue stems from the fact that I have yet to engage in a healthy male-female relationship. It's not that I see a relationship as a tool of self validation or anything like that. I just think that after 29 years, I would like to have engaged with someone that afterward, I didn't want to kick squarely in the chest. Part of it is my own fault. My fear of intimacy borders the paranormal. I don't take compliments well and I've been known to have odd reactions to displays of affection. I have actually purposely dated people that I don't like because I knew that the shit would inevitably hit the fan. Once it's done, there's really no love lost because I wasn't that into them anyway. I have also purposely avoided dating people that I do like in an effort to continue to like them. On the rare occasion that I have dated individuals that I liked, admired or otherwise enjoyed, things always seemed to go south for one reason or another. I won't say that I'm blameless, because I know that I'm not; but I also know I'm not the entire problem. Weird? Yeah, I guess.

I mentioned before that I believe that something positive is on the horizon for me, and that thought hasn't changed. I just find myself becoming increasingly cynical of the things people say and disgusted by the things they do. I'm having a case of Holden Caulfield syndrome in the worst way. I believe that more often than not, the world would be better off if people would think before they speak - or for that matter, if people would just think and not speak at all. I won't even touch in thinking before acting because people (present company included) often seem to think that thought and action are mutually exclusive entities rather than facets of life that should work in tandem.

I think part of my issue is that I've flooded my life with "extra". Therefore, my life is in desperate need of cleansing and purging. I don't plan on being one of those stupid people that sends out a broadcast email, or what have you threatening people with being "removed from the circle." (Yes, I think folks like that are stupid. Who in the fuck do they think they are? More times than not, if you feel that a person should be removed from your "circle", they also think you should be removed from theirs. Just do what the fuck you have to do and keep it moving. Sorry for digressing.) I just mean that we can allow our lives to become cluttered with people and issues that aren't necessarily for us. It doesn't mean those people or issues are bad, just not in their proper place. Whose fault is it really if we've allowed unnecessary things to take over our life? Give me a break!

Despite all this, I'm a really nice person. *cheese* Just moody. You know you like it. Otherwise you wouldn't be reading.

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