Monday, January 23, 2006

Makes Me Wanna Holla Some Mo'

I know this surprises my dear readers (all three of you), but I've got some stuff to get off my chest.

Before I start, please let me know when
this ignant shit became romantic? I think this ranks as the "What the Fuck" moment of the week, and it's only Monday. I think I too will be moving to Canada.

I find the public's reaction to adultery appalling. The ooey-gooey reaction people are giving to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie really makes me sick to my stomach. I won't begrudge anyone their happiness, but the way that whole situation took place was beyond tacky. I'm by no means jumping on the Anniston bandwagon, because she's just tired to me, but that had to be somewhat embarrassing. Going on a tangent, I would still give the "Ho That Will Steal Your Man" award to Jennifer Lopez. Angelina Jolie snatching Brad Pitt from vanilla flavored Jennifer Anniston is no biggie in my opinion. But Lopez, she grabbed Marc Antony's Nightmare Before Christmas looking ass from Miss Universe. If that's not some ballsy shit. . .

Fat women and hypersexuality. . .What CAN'T I say about this? Okay. . .you're fat. Okay. . .you can fuck. . .you can fuck well...and? Now I know fat chicks aren't the only people guilty of this, but this is where you see it the most often. I'm so tired of big brawds parading their nekkit asses and sexual prowess all over the net just for the sake of attention. If you're in the sex business, this does not apply to you. I'm not about to question how you're legally making your dough. However, if you are NOT turning a dollar for exposing your rolls, hills, valleys and snake pits, STOP. This is by no means a way to prove your confidence within yourself. If nothing else, you are showing your desperation in throwing what you should hold most dear to anyone with $9.95 for an internet connection. Try this, for every comment you could make about how you have no gag reflex, talk about what makes you a worthwhile individual.

Men suffering from the ADIDAS (All Day I Dream About Sex...yeah, I took it back with that one) complex, must realize that their behavior is also anti-sexy. We all know that kid in the 6th to 8th grade that punctuated every phallically ambiguous statement with "IN MAH PAAAAANTS". Ground breaking in middle school, annoying at 30+. I enjoy a strategically placed dirty joke as much as anyone. However, I'm referring to a person that, no matter what the discussion, you can count on them to add an unrelated, unprompted sexual comment. I truly believe that this person has self-esteem issues as well. So try this, when you hear of an issue that bewilders you, set aside ten minutes of your customary internet porn jerk time to read about it.

Last week, in a combination of bad judgment and poor planning (for not having CDs in the car), I listened to the radio. You know, the "your station for hip hop/R&B" radio. I discovered that a couple of things that I didn't care about: Cam'ron and Jay-Z had beef and Cam recorded a couple of Jay-Z disses. I'm not what you would call a Jay-Z fan and I normally don't have the "stop to watch the train wreck" mentality, but my curiosity got the better of me. I'm well aware that Cam is substandard at best, but this was below anything I expected of him. Though I do agree that Jay-Z is a notorious line biter and, yes, that negro does look like the bastard son of Joe Camel, to say this song was wack would be an insult to all things wack.

In a somewhat related radio gripe, are there only about five CDs out? I ask because, while I was getting my Black Rapunzel on in the braid spot, I discovered that the radio recycles the same five songs over and over ad nauseum. The radio was on for the last 2.5 hours of my transformation and I heard the same Kanye West, Mary J., Jamie Fox and Nelly songs 4 times each. I'm so thankful for my iPod.

When I moved up here, I bought an adorable blue peacoat because, most importantly, it fit and I figured, I would look a little different from everyone else in their usual black/brown/camel coats. I have since come to the conclusion that they were throwing this coat off the back of trucks because I see MY coat all over the place. Ah well, it's cute and it keeps me warm. That's what matters the most anyway.

As much as I wanted 2 boys, I love, and I mean ABSOLUTELY ADORE, shopping for my daughter. I had fun with Ty when he was a little one, and even now, his gear is tight, but it's regular little boy gear. You can't get too creative and imaginative with boys without setting your kid up to regularly get his ass whipped. However, with girls...oh my goodness!! Shopping for Jae is my favorite activity next to shoe shopping. Putting together her little outfits together and thinking up cute hairstyles for her is really something I can do all day.

Single mothers: stop moving in with men that aren't even worthy to split a cab with. Though this is something that could be said for single women in general, I think there's more at stake in the case I've mentioned. How many times have we heard of a kid getting the crap shaken out of him/her by their stepfather? Or how about raped (statutorily or otherwise)? Some dude ardently putting the naughty on you every Friday for a month does not absolve you of your responsibility as a parent. . .You selfish, thoughtles mother so-and-so.

I've said this elsewhere, but this can't be overstated: The purchase of the sidewalk designer "Goacci" (don't front like you don't know what I'm talking about) bags must stop. First of all, whenever I see a bag with the designers name printed on it a trillion times, I think of Peaches in A Low Down Dirty Shame (I was bored and it was on Starz...don't judge me). But being a billboard for a fictitious designer is even farther beyond something I can relate to.

For the last year or so I had been battling the idea of getting the relaxer monkey off my back. Since I planned on braiding my hair in the interim, my biggest holdup was finances. Braids that are not done by Pookie'nem are a big financial commitment. (As an aside, I know some kitchen beauticians are holding it down, but that's a big gamble and you have no real recourse if they screw up your dome.) However, now that I have a little more disposable income (and have discovered that a retouch costs about $100 a pop around these parts) I have decided to let go of the lye. I discovered that there are many women that have some of the most beautiful natural hair imaginable, hair that I would kill for, but I wouldn't have known because it's braided down under a pound of silky weave. Words couldn't express my disappointment.

Really, I don't mean any disrespect to anybody, but if I receive that "watch the Jaimie Foxx special instead of American Idol" one more time, someone is getting stabbed.


Bint Alshamsa said...

I can't wait to see you when you're lye-free, girl! I really wish I could go back to it myself but the S.O. can only deal with so many changes at one time. The hoop in my nose now is enough for him to handle for the moment...but I'll join you and VanGoghGirl in the "natch" club sooner or later.


Breez said...

Doth mine eyes deceive...

Amadeo said...

While I feel your statments...I'm not sure how I feel about your use of Adidas...they're the only tennis I'll buy...then again with the current state of Hip-Hop there is a tie in.

Breez said...

Maybe it was a New Orleans/Southern thing. We had all sorts of horny acronyms for sneakers and, unfortunately, Adidas was one of them.

BLESSD1 said...

Breez...I kinda like those urban-assed cards at the beginning of that post. I'm gonna make sure all my goodies from the hoodie get one! LOL! FUNNY ASS POST, mami. Keep doing it big