Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Di...did he just tweak my nose?

Recently, The Champ enlightened the world about the danger of the Three Pat Hug (TPH). Light skinned joke aside, he was basically right on the money. Once you've been three pat hugged, you're three steps away from being invited to a slumber party, and NOT the good kind. Of course men being natural born straight shooters would NEVER do anything like this, right?

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been Nose Tweaked! The Nose Tweak (hereinafter sometimes referred to as "NT") is akin to the TPH with one difference: though closing a door, it opens a window. Where the TPH is Morse Code, the NT loosely carries the attributes of a Chinese character. One tweak says, "You're cute, datable and even doable, but I'm knee deep in hos so Imma put you in the reserves. Standby." What kinda shit? If that isn't bad enough, it's usually surrounded with ambiguous gestures like prolonged hugs or "friendly" kisses that are just "this" side of friendly.

When I was younger, I didn't really mind being the recipient of the occasional tweaking. Partially because I had quite a few hotties as "buds", in my naivete, I thought that it would pay off at some point. Once I hit 18, that shit ceased being cute. I diva-fied myself and got out of the tweaking zone. It was cool, and I got play (MUCH PLAY), but it amounted to me being someone that I was not. So I relaxed the divatude a bit, got into my own groove and all went well. Until the day that I was tweaked. Part of me stepped outside of myself and watched it happen with the following commentary:

No, he's not about to perform the ritualistic Nose Tweak. Something's in my hair. Maybe it's in the way and he wants to kiss me. Wait, his hand is too close to the middle of my face. Maybe it's an eyelash. Yeah that's it. He's not even around the nose, he's headed straight for the ey...muthafucka tweaked my damn nose.

And with that, my fate was sealed. I was the victim of one other drive by tweaking subsequent to that, but re-induction to Tweaksville was the most disturbing. It's like walking into a room with all eyes on you because you KNOW you look good, only to find out that they're looking at you because your skirt is tucked into your panty hose.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not like the typical turning 30 sista that's trying to marry every man she dates...tomorrow. I just don't want my nose tweaked. Is that too much to ask? That shit is really distressing.


Amadeo said...

You should have kicked him in the nuts and explain it's a reflex like when the doctor hits you under your knee...

Chele said...

CTHU @ Amadeo
I am speechless. I can't understand what would make someone tweak your nose. I thought that only happens to Ronald McDonald.