Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Left No Forwarding

If there was anything I walked away with from the corny abomination known as "Poetic Justice", it was this quote from Tyra Ferrell's character: "I dress and I rest, because love don't live here anymore." To a certain extent, as superficial as it sounds, I have come to identify what she means. Or I can at least tell you what it means to me.

When I was eight, I knew I was going to get married. At 15, my wedding was planned down to the color underwear I would have. At 19, I fell deeply in love and I was convinced he was the one. I believed that everyone could have that type of love. The subsequent ten years changed my perception.

A couple of years ago, I classified myself as a love hater, but I don't think that's entirely accurate. When my sister became engaged to her husband, I was as excited as if I'd received the proposal. I have a good friend that will be getting married in the fall and, again, I couldn't be happier for her. Believe it or not, I don't harbor any negative feelings toward Valentine's day. I've often found myself being chastised regarding my ambivalence toward love. It's been said that my lack of a relationship is attributable to the before mentioned ambivalence. Could they be right? Maybe.

Last night, while politicking with a friend, he said something that wrapped up my thoughts on love so completely, I would have thought he was reading from the story of my life: I'm not owed anything. Life has been good to me on so many other levels. If I happen to find a soul mate, that would be a beautiful thing. But I don't count on it. This doesn't mean that I can't get hurt. It simply means that I can't be truly disappointed. I think I could muddle through this thing called life just fine with Romance staying on his side of the street. In the grand scheme of things, I can't truly complain. I have two beautiful children, great friends and supportive (even though I want to suffocate them at times) family network. Just because I don't have a man, that doesn't mean that I don't have love.

I've just grown tired of the concept of dating to fall in love. Tired of the waiting for the imminent drama. Tired of having to front like things don't bother me. Tired of the bullshit silk. Tired of moving too fast. Tired of moving too slow. Tired of moving. Tired of feeling like a freak. Tired of feeling like a prude. Tired of hoping that things will go well. Tired of knowing that they won't. Tired of paying for the mistakes of women I've never met. Tired of making men pay for the mistakes of men they never knew existed. Tired of caring too much. Tired of not caring enough. Tired of hearing "I never do this". Tired of hearing "I can't go through that again". Tired of wishing I were more passive. Tired of wishing I were more aggressive.

When expressing this sentiment, I become amazed at how many men, men that don't have a commitment oriented bone in their bodies, assert that I have no reason to feel that way. It seems like my acceptance of my situation is too much for them to handle. They don't necessarily think I should want THEM. I should just want SOMEBODY. How foolish is that?

I happen to think that Hallmark, the Lifetime Network and Danielle Steele have sold a lot of folks some serious pipe dreams. I just choose not to buy into it. We get hung up on what the next person has, or SAYS they have, and decide that we MUST have the exact same thing. We DESERVE the exact same thing. Sike. I cringe when people talk about "making love". That's one bridge I could never quite buy. People have sex. They have good sex. They have bad sex. If they're really good and eat all their vegetables, they have the opportunity to have sex with someone that they care about and there's some type of reciprocity of emotion. However, people start chasing this rumored "love-making", causing issues where none exist. I'll be the first to say that the reasoning behind my disbelief could be due to my never having experienced the act. But that's debatable.

I can either choose to be unhappy and consider my situation a "plight" or I can count my blessings and live life. I've got ME. Does it sound like the typical "independent woman" jargon? Yeah. But you know what? I pray every day for the wisdom to realize my potential and the ability to make things happen. I say a give thanks for the strength to overcome my obstacles. I gets down with me. And, if you're wondering, for those "other" times, my battery operated homie holds me DOWN.

I do what I have to do, because when all is said and done, I want a clear head. I want peaceful nights. I want to possess a spirit that embraces each day. I want to mean it when I say "I'm fine." Is that REALLY too much?


Bint Alshamsa said...

First of all, I really hated that movie "Poetic Justice" too. It really sucked. I can't really relate to the early-start wedding plans. However, after dating CaliGuy for all that time, I felt a lot like how you sound now. I started doing everything by myself without feeling the least bit lonely. I think that when you get to the point where you're comfortable with doing that, then you might be ready for a relationship but definitely not before.

They don't necessarily think I should want THEM. I should just want SOMEBODY. How foolish is that?

This is the realest thing you said in this post, Breez. I see this attitude all of the time. It's simply an indication of how entrenched patriarchy is in our society. All women are supposed to belong to some man or at least want to. If not, you're a threat to the supposed "natural" order of things. Think of what this world would be like if men were not allowed to own women. By own, I mean anything about us--not our time, not our bodies, not even our loyalty. Imagine the culture of respect they'd have to create in order to have any woman in their life. However, it's up to us to decide whether this will ever be because most men have no real reason to oppose patriarchy because it works in their favor. I know this might be a bit too feminist for you but this just struck me as I read your post. It was very thought-provoking. Thanks for sharing!

--le petite fleur

BLESSD1 said... do you follow that last post? Whatever. Breez...count me amongst the foolish, cuz I too believe that real love exists. I've seen it. No...really I have. Look at Denzel and Paulletta, Chante and Kenny Latimore, Kim and Marshall. Scratch that last one. To say the least, it was a butt-baringly beautiful post. I love the eloquence w/which you write; you emote everything so well. Like you said, you ARE well-loved...even if it's not by a "significant other". Keep doing your thing.