Monday, May 09, 2005

For all the right reasons

We've all seen it before. Two people meet, fall in "lurve," get married, fall out of love and divorce. It is not uncommon to hear at least one of the parties in this predicament say, "We got married for all the wrong reasons." This has me thinking, what are some "right" reasons to get married. Yeah, I know about love and all of that other stuff, but what about other things that may count. I've compiled a list of such reasons (not including sex and money), from a woman's point of view. I've also added a list of appropriate engagement gifts, in lieu of an engagement ring.

1. Taking out the trash

That shit is dead as Jimmy Hoffa to me (and most women that I know). I'm sure it's a social conditioning thing. In every house I've been exposed to, either in person or via television, the man or son of the family took out the trash. I hate taking out my own garbage. I mean, I've already had to buy, cook and clean the shit up, but now, I've got to throw it out too? Basuro!! I guess there's no logical reason why I should hate the task of walking to the corner, but I do. A lifetime supply of those Hefty stretch-y bags and a large garbage can that can't be stolen would be a suitable gift in this instance.

2. Killing bugs

The man should kill the bug. Don't ask me why, but it's one of those unwritten rules. I live in one of the bug capitals of the galaxy, so I spare NO expense in keeping the critters out of my home. I have been known to leave and give a bug the house until I think that it has relocated. A bug crawled across my foot once and I don't think I have ever recovered. If I merely see a bug, I get that creepy-crawly feeling. Therefore, killing bugs...played out. Let me meet a brother with a can of Bengal and some roach motels and it will be on like popcorn.

3. Car repairs

As the owner of a shitty vehicle, I have a moderate amount of auto knowledge. However, this knowledge does not prevent mechanics from attempting to screw me with a 10 inch piece of unsanded crooked wood. Once I went to get a tune up at Pep Boys and those bastards tried to convince me that my ignition needed to be fucking ignition. You know...the thing that I needed to crank up in order to transport my car TO Pep Boys. Every time I would go to them, they would tell me I needed no less than $500.00 in services that were absolutely critical. I had my dad bring my car once, and he was merely told of $75.00 in maintenance services that he might find helpful. Wallet raping bastards. I guess that this marriage position should only be filled by non-shade tree mechanics.

4. Talking to bill collectors

There are a lot of broke sisters in this world and they're tired of talking to bill collectors. If for some reason they can't get their financial shit together (though they can't fairly be too picky about the brothers from a financial standpoint), a brother that doesn't get rattled easily with a booming voice should do the trick. Since he has experience dealing with bill collectors, he probably doesn't have money to get a gift so bomb ass sex would have to be a requirement. Hey, the it's an ugly truth.

5. Health Insurance

Have you checked out the price of prescriptions lately? HOT DAMN! That is completely off the chain. A snaggle toothed brother with a PPO plan and a $10.00 copay might not look too bad. His gift, obviously, would be a health insurance card with your name on it.

Now, I'm not saying that a woman SHOULD get married for these reasons. However, if I'm 40 and still killing my own bugs and cussing out folks at Pep Boys, a sister is going to investigate her options.

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