Wednesday, May 25, 2005

"He's Touching Me" and Other Crap I Hate to Hear

I'm a mother of two - a boy and a girl - both are positively gorgeous. They each have beautiful cocoa skin, warm brown eyes, thick, dark eyelashes and I'll be damned if they weren't blessed with perfectly shaped eyebrows. They are also full of personality and very loving, which is just as attractive to a parent as any physical manifestation of beauty.

That being said, some of the things they do make me want to set myself on fire and throw myself into traffic. I'm inclined to believe that their
Auntie Chelle has CPS on speed dial for whenever she hears me say "hold ONE second." I am able to demonstrate tremendous restraint when dealing with them, however, I think I'm entitled to some venting times. Here are some things that I (and a lot of other parents) hate to hear and what goes through my mind (but can never say) when I hear them.

1. "He's/She's Touching Me"

Of course you're touching each other. I drive a fucking Celica for crying out loud and we're always giving somebody a ride. I've had you both checked out for leprosy and various other flesh degrading afflictions and you're okay, so touching should really be a non-issue. Further, if you don't stop that screaming, I'M going to touch somebody and it won't be pretty, I assure you.

2. "You Never Take Us Anywhere/Buy Us Anything"

That's right. The trips to the aquarium, McDonald's, the movies, Toys R Us, WalMart and the like have all been figments of your imagination. The three storage containers that spilleth over with toys - fake. You exist in the Matrix. Sorry to break it to you so harshly, but rumor has it that this dude named Neo is about to fuck it up for all of us, so enjoy it while you can.

3. "Why Didn't My Dad Call Me?"

Because he's a deadbeat broke ass that is so terrified by the thought of Mommy asking him for money, he is completely willing to throw his relationship with you two down the toilet. If it's any consolation, he's liked by few, and when he's old, you can put him in the shittiest home known to man.

4. "You're ALWAYS going to work"

You didn't get the memo? Having a spare moment to myself is sooo yesterday. I'd much rather have my boss on my ass than spend time with my kids. What the hell? Do you think I'm doing this shit for my health? I don't see you complaining when the cable bill is paid and you can watch Cartoon Network until you lapse into an animation induced coma. Now buckle your punk ass in the seatbelt so I can drop you off and go to work.

5. "You like her/him better than me"

Yes...yes I do. As a matter of fact you haven't seen what I do to the kids that I REALLY don't like. You HAD a third sibling. Wanna find out what happened to him? Keep playing.

6. "He/She is touching my stuff!"

Honestly, who gives a shit? It's not my stuff. You really think I don't have anything better to do, huh? Do you see that Law & Order is on? Get your punk ass upstairs and sit down somewhere before they do a "ripped from the headlines" episode about us.

7. "Why can't we just go to McDonalds"

You ungrateful summama...I just spent $10 on chicken breast and another $20 on seafood. Do you know that shit was a delicacy in my house? I didn't know what white meat tasted like until I was 12. Frankly, it would be in your best interest to get out of here before I hurl this pot at you.

8. Temper Tantrums (Yes, I know this doesn't require them to say anything)

Not sure if you've heard, but they shoot dogs who behave that way. Just some food for thought.

9. "I don't know how it broke"

How do you keep breaking my shit and not knowing how it happened? That's the fifth time this week. Here's an idea, I'm gonna run through your room and break all your shit, then make you replace it with your money. Allowance is a dollar a week. Good luck with that buddy. By the time you've earned enough money to replace it, you'll be too old to care about it. HA HA.

10. "You always get to watch what you want. It's not fair."

You did not put in on this mannnnnn. Let's go with the fact that you're lucky I let you do anything at all with ya broke ass. You start kicking in on some bills around this biatch, then we'll talk, because right now all I'm hearing is the breeze. The nerve. Before you leave the room get me some kool aid and turn up the volume. I don't feel like reaching for the remote right now.


Danja said...

that was a classic post

*still not removing CPS from speed dial though*

Amadeo said...

Ask them if they want to play the Duct Tape game. I'll let you make your own rules but I think you get the idea.

BLESSD1 said...'s folx like you that are the reason CPS even exists! I'm shocked, appalled, dismayed...NAAAH!!! I'm just jokin! I eagerly await the day when I'm telling you, "Breeze...I'm destined to be placed in a home" by my lil fat baby. I'm just gonna try to enjoy him while he's still cute n' cuddly...and not talkin' shit! LOL!

Golden... said...

Ok! #5 had me in tears but #10...hmmm...#10. my pain in da arse has his own why? why? is it that he sits in MY living room watching MY tv?