Monday, November 14, 2005

Got my swagger back

I was REALLY feeling some kinda way on Friday. As mannish as my behavior can be at times, it's surprising what a trip to VS, the salon and some new boots can do for one's attitude. I plan on renting a car this week because I'm tired of being dependent on other folks. It's not that they make me feel bad, but I like being able to do things without having to ask for permission.

My blog imagination has been somewhat tapped out lately so I present you with the "Vault of Orphaned Blogs."

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, "The Vault of Orphaned Blogs."

"It's a train...not the coming of Jesus" Why the f*** are you knocking down old/infirm people to get on the train? Look at the sign, there's going to be another train dufus. All I'm saying is that I've got something special for the person that pushes me to get on the damn train.

"That's horse manure and you know it" Have you ever met someone whose conversation is a study in foolishness. I am convinced that no one person can be that silly and they merely talk stupid out of boredom. I want to believe that in their secret life, they are forumulating a cure for cancer or AIDS or Ben Affleck fans, and they craftily use nonsensical chatter to amuse us peons.

"I cuss too damn much!" I really do. I'm working on it.

"Don't live out your life story on the net." Everybody that reads your s*** ain't your friend. Even if they're not necessarily your enemy, they may be like me: LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF! I really try not too, but laughing is a gut reaction for me. It's more or less: "No he/she didn't put ALLLLLLL the business up there." I've seen folks call people out in Yahoo groups about things that only those two people and the Lord up above knew (AND SHOULD HAVE KNOWN) about. Just pick up your face, handle your business in private and keep it moving.

"Am I imagining this?" People that use their cell phones on the bus/train bother me. However, people that use their cell phones on the bus/train and speak in a different language generally seem to speak louder than folks that do the same in English. Recently a lady next to me on the train called someone from her cell and said "Hi, this is mom, I'll be at XYZ station in 20 minutes." Completely normal tone of voice. THEN she called someone else in another language and evidently entered a "I wonder if my loud ass can break the sound barrier if this angry brawd next to me doesn't stab me first" contest. This is not the first time I've noticed this. Stop it.

"Am I the only one on earth that doesn't give a flying fart about Terrel Owens?" Dude always looks constipated, plus he took pictures in a tight azz nipple shirt. That's enough to completely remove him from my radar. However, folks are getting really involved in this beef he's got going on. Maybe I should clarify something for some folks. *steps up to the mic* Ahem...YALL AIN'T GON' GET NO DAMN MONEY FROM HIM!!! *spikes mic on stage*

"Old men are gross" I don't mean regular old men that live their lives and go about their business. I'm talking about these nasty bastards that are on the loose trying to recapture their youth through young (often dumb) women. Realize this the next time you "mack" - you smell like Adidas cologne, liniment and corn chips.

"I am living in an animated world" Quite a few of my favorite shows are animated: South Park, The Family Guy, The Simpsons, most recently The Boondocks if it keeps up the good work. However, throughout the day, little snippets of these shows pop up in my head and sometime almost escape with Tourette's-esque fervor. I swear on election day I had to stop myself from saying "Shake them titties when you vote bytch!" at least four times. (South Park fans know what I'm talking about.) Something is wrong with me. I need help. Or at least I need to find something else to do with my spare time.

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