Thursday, November 03, 2005

Grown Woman Sheeee-at!!

I am exactly three weeks from my 29th birthday. Damn, I'm old as a mug. I remember being thinking that 30 was old. Now I'm talking shit like, "The party's just beginning." In my mind I'm telling myself, "Sit your old ass down somewhere before you break something." Don't get me wrong, I don't think that I'm nursing home old. However, there are some things in the past couple of years that I have just let go.

No more boy-toys. From my teenage years until my mid-20s, there was always a guy in my life. So once I ended my marriage, I started getting a little figety. I didn't want another relationship, but I didn't want to be "alone". So I primarily dated younger cuties because they were far less likely to go the serious route. (Yes, I was a psuedo-Mrs. Robinson.) For a while it was fun, but it ultimately became boring. Dating JUST to say I was dating rather than spending time with someone that I enjoyed is really just not the moved. It also propelled me into a nun-like existence for a while.

Stuff just isn't all that serious to me anymore. I don't have beef with anyone because, if I find you annoying, you get no shine. When people do things to piss me off, I dust it off and keep moving. A couple of weeks ago my kids' dad cussed me out royally on the phone and all I did was laugh and hang up. I'm not walking around like a zombie, but if I spend my entire life addressing every perceived slight and/or affront. There's a lot of important stuff that I'll be missing out on. What's the purpose of carrying out an argument with someone that I think is stupid anyway? *shrug*

I've become comfortable in admitting that I'd like to get married day. It had better happen quick though. Once I'm convinced that I'm not jaunting down the aisle again and I buy my first pair of granny panties, there's no turning back. However, that aside, after my divorce, I admittedly felt obligated to hold up my fist, burn my bra and proclaim that I didn't need a man in my life. And I guess when you think of "need" in terms of "I'll die if I don't have one" - I don't need one. However, in terms of wanting a partner that I value, that values me as a person and will love, repect and help guide my children, yeah, I need that. I deserve that. Nothing wrong with that.

I am becoming more like my mother. She had this way of saying precisely what was on her mind without crushing a person's spirit. I won't say that I've mastered the art yet, but I'm getting there.

I'm becoming more of a doer. Once upon a time all I would do is talk big dreams and never take action. One day I started realizing, "I'm not trying to walk on the moon. I can do this." So I went back to school (not finished yet, but it's GONNA happen), started working on my book, moved to the mid-Atlantic and gained about a million tiny victories that only I and the Almighty know about.

I'm a responsible parent. At 22, I was nowhere near prepared for motherhood. My finances were a mess, my house was a mess and my emotions were a mess. This too is a work in progress, but for the last few months, I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It required me to make some very difficult decisions, but I am confident that the things I have done have been for the betterment of my family.

I have become beautiful. I always thought of myself as a funny looking kid. In pictures taken of me, from age 6 to 16, I look awkward and goofy. I let the males in my life dictate whether or not I was attractive. (Five minutes without a boyfriend MUST mean that I'm ugly.) Now, I won't say I don't care, but...well, I don't. I mean, I care, but I don't CARE care, lol. I'm beautiful dammit. I have learned to focus on the people that make me feel good as opposed to those who make me feel bad. It works.

I recognize that tomorrow is not promised. It's a sobering thought and so I try to make every day count. I know I'm a work in progress and I look forward to the mental evolution that comes with age.


Gunner Kaufman said...

hey lady, your almost 30 not 60...slow down. After all, the 30s are really just a chance to do over the 20's like you had a bit of sense. So chill, remeber your beautiful, and never lie to a dude when hes wack....and the 30s will be a breeze.

Breez said...

thanks gunner. i'm not picking up the cane and the theragesic yet...just a lil different, lol. thanks for looking out!

Curious1 said...

That's whassup... Ya na have to stress na mean. You'll get to where you need to be n I'm glad you're doing your thing. Plus like those lil victories only u n the man know of..