Sunday, September 14, 2008

"That same [chick] you gave nothin, I made something doin" (c) Jay-Z

It's September 14. Do you know where your life is?

I've been in Maryland almost three years. There have been times when I questioned whether or not it's purpose had run its course. Each time, my eyes would be opened to a new purpose; something left for me to complete. Even when I would go through a difficult time, Something would happen, and I would make it through. That doesn't seem to be the case these days.

In my heart, I would rather let me kids stay here, live here. My son has already picked out his college. They go to a great school and there are a lot of benefits that come with living in Mo County. Unfortunately, the economy is fucking me UP. My departing the DMV is becoming less and less of a casual discussion, and more of a distinct possibility.

I can't, in good conscience, stay here and wait for life to become terrible. When i came here, I was so encouraged and supported. it's hard to stay in a place when you're not only struggling, but feeling alienated. I try to internalize, rather than verbalize. That's why I was a bit freaked out when Ladybug inquired about how difficult things were for me. Friday night, I asked what made her ask that question. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't throwing a pity party and she could see. She then said, "Well, it's two of us and one of you. Two to one isn't easy right?"

I've always felt that struggling is what keeps me sane and alive. Though it's not healthy, as much as I crave peace, I tend to see it as the calm before the storm. it's a twisted form of self sabotage. The rub is, I am often correct. That being said, the adrenaline rush that comes with embarking upon a new adventure for the purpose of improving our lives is exhilarating. I relish being able to look at my life and see where I have been blessed with the means and the strength to always improve things for myself, Finge and Ladybug.

I do realize, that having only one job is not going to cut it though. My writing has to work for me. I've also had a dream for eons to run my own staffing agency. These things will only remain dreams if I don't act on them. The vision, in honesty, is MUCH bigger than that, but that's the gist. My problem is, I don't have the foggiest idea of where to start.

Those that know me, however, don't worry, and rightfully so. I embody everything that is the comeback kid. I can't accept credit. My life has been blessed beyond measure; it's what made my East Coast adventure a possibility. But what I know is that I have been blessed because I put forth the effort and respect the hustle.

"You need to dance and dance to make the rain come down..."

1 comment:

BLESSD1 said...

Hey...I miss you being this end too!