Monday, March 21, 2005

Childless People

Sometimes I really don't like them. Especially single childless people. The total unaccountability of it all. It just makes me want to vomit. Yeah, I'm hating, so what? The thing is, some single, childless people don't understand my pain.

When my single, childless girlfriends tells me that she has met the perfect man and thinks I should date him, I must resist the urge to slap the shit out of her. If he was that perfect, she'd be dating him. End of story. I have encountered a vast array of characters and issues listening to my friends. These include: horndog/man-whore, major BO, chronic between job-ness, mama's boy syndrome, a descendant of Lilliput, old enough to be my father's older uncle, extreme dorkiness, several ex-wives, preoccupation with dull or odd topics and what I refer to as "damp mouth" (always looking unnecessarily moist around the mouth). More times than not, she thinks she's done me a solid by setting us up, you know, since the dating pool for my single, parent self is soooo small. If the date is unsuccessful and and I'm still speaking to the heffa (even if it's just to ask her what the fuck she was thinking), she usually justifies her judgment by saying something like, "Girrrrrrrl, you better get on that man, he make goot money." I couldn't give a flying fart on the rings of Saturn what he does or how much he makes, there is nothing I can do with a 5'1, moist mouthed man with BO that lives with his mama.

Far too often, the single, childless men that I date only have eyes (and ears) for themselves. This is the man that can't do anything but talk about what he does, where he does it, how good he looks while he's doing it, what he drives, what he'll be driving next, who he used to date, what type of women he has no patience for, blah, Blah, BLAH!!! Shut the fuck up you verbose summamabitch! Once I've been verbally pummelled into silence, one of two things happens, he either asks me why I'm not talking he tells me that he likes me because I "know how to listen to a brotha." The fact is, since he knows absolutely nothing about me (or the rest of humanity in general since he only pays attention to himself), he does not realize that I'm damn near bored to the point of tears.

Many single, childless people (especially middle/upper middle class) have no concept of financial reality. I had a friend that told me that it would be better for me if I quit my current job, took on a waitressing job and go to school. That way, my schedule could be flexible and I could live off student loans in the meantime. Shut up you twit. In this instance, I thought about siccing my children on her. There is no way on this earth I can financially cope on my own as a part time anything and raise two kids.

My two favorite things to hear from a single childless person are "Why don't you just get a sitter?" and "Why don't you just send them to bed?" Both sound easy. . . neither actually are. Most parents need breaks because the kids are bad as hell. Sitters know this and therefore, aren't usually inclined to deal with bad ass so and sos that don't belong to them, not without receiving a hefty fee at least. As far as putting a kid to bed, at least with my kids, you have to damn near be a belt wielding samurai octopus. When you get one down, the other gives you issues, once that one is down, the other one is stirred again. If I had a nickel for every time I have said go to bed in the past year, I would be able to pay the plastic surgery bills for Lil' Kim, Viveca and Demi twice over.

This year my sister has taken pity on me (THANK YOU!) and is going to take my children to spend some time with her this summer. Maybe then I can lose my senses and enjoy an (albeit temporary) unaccountable existence.

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