Friday, March 25, 2005

Summertiiiiiiiiime, and the livin's easy

UNLESS you are an open toed shoe. You could be subjected to some of the most heinous environments known to man, er, woman. Summertime is right around the corner. Here in good old New Orleans, temperatures are already in the mid to upper 70s. There's something about summer that makes a certain type of woman turn crazier than a shithouse rat when it comes to matters of fashion. So, in the spirit of sisterhood, I will pass on a few helpful hints. The thinking woman will find the reasoning behind them is self-explanatory. If I can reach one, it will have been well worth it.

If your back resembles a bursted pack of biscuits, halter tops are not for you.

Don't let the heat overrule common sense. A few no no combinations: miniskirt/chicken legs, v-neck/flat chest, puffy feet/strappy shoes - you get the picture.

BUY YOUR SHOE SIZE DAMMIT! You know who you are.

To wear lipgloss is cute - wearing lipliner is divine. Stop walking around like you've been attacked by a wild pork chop.

Ass crack is NOT the new pink.

If you have feet like Tyrone Biggums, do not wear open toe shoes until you've sought medical care and have had at least 3 pedicures.

Bullet wounds aren't the new pink either.

I know that this is the year of the BBW and self acceptance is a beautiful thing. HOWEVER, if you're 300 pounds and elect wearing a see through top with next to nothing underneath . . . I'm shooting you my damn self.

Sister to sister, all that weave looks hot and heavy. The heat emanating from your scalp is making me sweat. As a matter of fact, that's not club smoke you see around you, that's vapor.

Lastly, if you see your girlfriend going out wrong, tap her on shoulder and help her out. Those that see these wrongs, yet say nothing are even more guilty than the offenders.

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